December 2011

A dear friend of mine died last week. She was 41. She was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2009, when her daughter was about 6 months old. She went through two bone marrow transplants, and remained strong and positive throughout, parenting her almost 3 year old daughter from bed the majority of the last few months. She died December 8, a few days short of her daughter's third birthday.

Diana was my first Alexander Technique student after graduating. I have never in my life met a more vibrant, generous, caring, fair, and warm person. She sparkled in her eyes and with every cell of her whole being. She was a wonderful blend of incredible curiosity, intelligence and humor, and we would laugh our asses off in our lessons. We connected instantly, the first time she came to my house. I can still remember the warmth in her voice when we talked on the phone to set up her lesson. It was as if we'd known each other forever, and just picked up that first day where we had left off. I gave her lessons and we became good friends. At that time in her life she was a massage therapist, and we would do exchanges and also refer clients/students to each other. When she landed a very wealthy client who payed incredibly well and wanted to see her 3 times a week she insisted on coming to lessons with me twice a week, paying me more than my rate, even though I begged her to come for free or do exchanges because we were friends. That was just the way she was, insisting on sharing her windfall with her friends.

She was instrumental in getting me out of the misery of 20 long years of waiting tables. I had been hanging on to a restaurant job to make ends meet as I began my teaching career. She asked me to make her a skirt like one I had made myself. Then she wore it into a fancy boutique in Park Slope, Brooklyn and proceeded to sell it and my work to them, taking a card and insisting vehemently that I call them and do skirts on consignment. I ended up selling over 200 skirts through them, and began gaining some much needed confidence that there were indeed other ways to make ends meet besides bartending and waiting tables. Bored with making the same skirt over and over, I eventually started my fabrikate home furnishings business, worked incredibly hard and often frantically but mostly had a blast, met many wonderful clients and ultimately retired from restaurant work after 20 years in the industry. If it wasn't for her I would have struggled with that transition much longer. Diana also helped me get work teaching a few semesters in the Continuing Education program at the Swedish Institute, teaching massage therapists Alexander Technique, which ended up being one of my favorite gigs.

I had my son about 4 months after her daughter was born. An emergency c-section, completely opposite the birth we had hoped for, the whole experience was, in a word hellish, with the exception of one amazing and very cherished nurse.  Diana was our only visitor in the hospital. Again, I can still remember that joyful, smiling voice of hers calling out "Kate Kobak!!" as she entered the room and came around the curtain with her little girl, making time to come all the way uptown and way out on the West Side of the city in her already busy day. That half hour visit was a sparkling beacon in an otherwise harrowing experience. And Diana was, pretty much a sparkling beacon just in general. I am in awe of her bravery, dignity, and positive attitude in dealing with her disease. If I could muster half of that positivity just in daily life I would be doing good. She was extraordinary.

Although I never directly told her, she is also a huge part of the reason I decided to try derby. I can't imagine having to deal with what she did, with such gracefullness. She got to a point where she was so limited in her movement and breath that she couldn't walk a few city blocks without needing a break or to get a cab. When she first told me she was diagnosed, and continued to keep me posted on her battle I started really considering the way I live my life, the things I put off or let slip through the cracks, the things I would be deeply disappointed to miss if I was limited in my abilities or time here on earth.

One day years ago she called me out of the blue, excited and begging me to take trapeze class with her. It was right before the first portion of her finals for her masters degree, the oral portion I think. She said, "I can't imagine anyone I'd rather do this with. I also can't think of anything scarier for me to do, so it would be the best preparation for my dissertation!!" I remember responding with something goofy like, "Wait, wait, slow down. You had me at trapeze..of course I will go with you...is there class today?"

We were instructed in class to move on the instuctor's "heps," which I think is like trapezeeze for "go." On his "hep" you were to jump off the platform 20 feet in the air, swing forward on the trapeze, the next hep,pull your feet up over the bar, the next one let go and swing upside down from your knees. Then on hep you pull up, grab the bar again and get your knees off. The last hep was your drop to the net below. In practice on the ground the jumping on the hep was no prob, but once you are up there and he's chirping hep at you to make the initial jump it's amazing how you forget how your legs work. We both did it, and much of it was a blur. What's crystal clear though is us sweaty, exhilarated and walking through Williamsburg after class on that warm, sultry night, laughing and yelling "hep" at the top of our lungs as we proceeded to jump off every curb, our arms and hands shaking from a combination of the workout they just endured and the adrenaline of the whole experience.

This is how I want to live my life, fearlessly jumping on the "heps" and with the positivity, courage, kindness and generosity Diana had. I'm so lucky she found that poster advertising Alexander lessons I hung on a very out of the way lamp post in Brooklyn many years ago. My life is richer for knowing her, and she has had a profound influence on it, in so many ways. A part of every practice and bout will be for you, lady.

In our time together working at the Wellness Sanctuary at Om Yoga in NY we wrote for the newsletter. Below are both of our entries sharing our trapeze experience.

aimingup fall 2007 newsletter
Conquering Fear by Staying in the Moment (by Diana Colbert)

Passed the WFTDA test...Vice Quads here we come!

There have only been a few cherished moments in my life when I have been fortunate enough to enjoy this feeling. That swooning smile that starts somewhere mid-thigh, flips your stomach over like a really good kiss then travels upward, making your sternum melt and your heart sing, tickles your neck, then continuing to defy gravity finally spreads across your mouth, bunching your cheeks up into your ears and electrifies your scalp, making your eyes twinkle and eventually water from the breathtaking happiness you feel.

That is my night last night. And my whole day today. Honestly I don't even know where to begin this blog entry, I so desperately want to capture the vastness of experience and emotion in words. Not to sound cliched, but it was life changing, from start to finish. Seriously. The company and camaraderie I shared last night was extraordinary, the stuff of absolute greatness and buoyancy of spirit that sweeps you up, carries you along, and just an amazing amount of fun. I feel like throughout my life I have spent a ton of time famished for an activity that blends this athleticism, strategy, teamwork, quirkiness, and awesome socks and I am so totally excited to finally participate in this sport. To reiterate, I have wanted to do derby for 20 years, from the moment I saw it on TV when I was 19 or 20 years old. There has always been something else dominating my time or a lack of a league until about 9 weeks ago.

So, let's just pick a place, and trust that my inevitable meandering will eventually somehow cover the entirety of the experience. See that 4 on my arm? I don't want to ever wash it off, I am so completely proud of it. As I was skating my 25 in 5 minutes (which somehow I did in 4.23!!!!!!) I had flashes of me on the left up there, the 5 year old with the Fonzie shirt, polyester bell bottoms my mom made, awesome red Bruce Jenner sneakers and strap on, adjustable metal skates. I could smell the fresh cut grass, feel the very bumpy concrete driveway rattling my skates and the wind of that breezy spring day my dad took that photo after he finished mowing the grass. I can actually remember what shirt he had on and I was thinking all this as I skated my laps. I love how a song or in this case an activity can span time and teleport you right back to a very specific moment of your life and allow you to sense all the details. If you haven't noticed, I'm a sucker for the details, addicted to the fullness of the moment our senses offer if we are open to them.

Here's a few details about the test. A couple of us were joking that even though they were branded in black marker on our arms we couldn't remember our numbers we were so nervous. I literally had to look at my arm to know my number and remind myself to breathe a few times. My heart was slamming against my sternum before I even started skating. We got through it as a team, reminding each other that we had done all of the required minimum skills about a billion times in all our practices, encouraging each other to stay positive. What an amazing, funny, powerful collection of women. I am so thrilled to be in their company. Here we are, the new Twin City Derby Girls Vice Quads:

Now, it is certainly not every day that you pass the test to join a derby team. The momentous occasion could not possibly be complete without celebratory drinks and much revelry. Had I known after parties were this much fun I would have found a way to do this 20 years ago. I am seriously berating myself for all the years I have been deprived.

We descended with our adrenaline boosted excitement and 2 hours worth of sweat on Senator's Pub, the closest bar besides an Applebee's (which I can't say even in my head without the slight giggle John Corbett always has in his voice when he does the voiceover for all those commercials with the very shiny food when he is pimping the "2 for $20" or "Ultimate Trios" ). Senator's is an Inn/Wellness Center/Pub.The bartender was a very nice, older, wirey, bespectacled guy who probably holds the award for slowest/most nearsighted bartender on earth. The most effective tactic we found to catch his attention was standing on the ledge under the bar and waving both of our arms in the air like a drowning person. Eventually drinks were in hand, we were seated at the bar and a few tables and then in the blink of an eye the whole place transformed into Webster Hall. I looked up from the "I am having one drink and coming home" text I sent Alan and some guy is on the microphone saying something about derby girls beating each other up and perhaps the bartender too and the next thing I know I am drawn off my seat by the music, having krumping dance offs and spilling people's beers with my dramatic movement stylings.

Somewhere after the shot of tequila in the midst of the dance floor (which was not officially a dance floor but more like a 6 ft square space in between the tables) there was a 3 way push up/bicep competition bizarrely reminiscent of Jack Palance on the Oscars between 2 of my derby sisters and a very brave man who kept encouraging us to punch his abs and telling us he was 50, a search on hands and knees with phone flashlights for a lost earring, and one of the girls reaching behind a huge neon sign to open the window and get some ventilation going. I should point out that as you can see from the photo, Senator's is not a very big space, and the clientele seems to me to be of a fairly mellow breed. Our combined energies and the Ke$ha were so over the top that the whole bar just swelled, and for me looking around at the bemused, surprisingly tolerant expressions of the other non-derby patrons just added to the total scene, making it all the more priceless. I haven't had this amount of fun in a very long time, and I am still relishing my derby high and smiling a day and a half later.

I have to mention that November 15, the day of the test was also the 1 year anniversary of the day we brought Oona home from the hospital, on an unseasonably warm and vibrantly golden fall day. The house was cozy and smelled amazingly of roasting pork and root vegetables, (thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law) just the kind of scent you want after several days in the hospital. Although we had been through it just a year and a half prior with Aldo we were balancing multiple emotions: joy, excitement, panic, terror, exhaustion. It's bonkers how fast this past year flew by, how different I am. We settled into my beautiful toile sofa (my prized and very cherished possession, haven when things get hectic and also the first place we went when we brought Aldo home) and began our life as a multiple child family. We were slightly cocky due to Aldo being such a golden boy and relatively easy baby. Boy, were we in for a bumpy and high decibel but mostly joyful ride led by this feisty, spunk-filled future derby girl.

I love that these two very important events share the same day. As I get older and closer to senility it will make the task of remembering them less of a strain on my feeble mind.... Ok, all joking aside, both these experiences are HUGE starting points for me, the initiations of exciting and beautiful journeys for me to  savor, enjoy, grow and learn volumes from. As I begin my derby life I am feeling a lot of the same emotions I had that day last year, just home from the hospital and catapulted into a new chapter of my life. I'm super super psyched to see where my skates and my team take me.

Week 8/Saturday THE FINAL PRACTICE

Today I am considering the things my life would be poorer for if I didn't have the opportunity to experience them. At 11AM I'm skating 15 or so feet in front of a paceline of girls who are taking turns skating up and hip/body checking me. The looks on everyone's faces as they come at you is the absolute best. Most girls are smiling just prior to checking you with all they have and throwing you off balance. It's super cool how much you can be aware of in that teeny moment as you watch them approach. The sound of both of your breaths, your itchy elbow pad that seriously needs to be washed, the whoosh of everyone's wheels, what the approaching skater has on, the voices of the coaches and other skaters. I especially love noticing what color mouthguards people have in that split second before they slam you.

An hour and a half later it's 12:30 PM at home, and I'm holding my daughter, softening myself and clearing all remnants of hardening and impact out of my system as she drifts off to sleep, sighing and cuddly, resting her head on my chest. She's a tiny steamroller, loud as an air raid siren, fearless, strong willed, constantly squirming and twisting to be let go so she can be free and wreak havoc so this is a rare moment of calm and I'm soaking it up.

I'm also thinking about how important it is in derby and daily life to stay fully present in the moment,allow yourself to be aware of and relish every detail. It's those details that make things really tasty. It's marvelous how completely opposite these two experiences of my day are, and the opportunities for adaptation they offer me.It is so easy to allow yourself to become overly comfortable and fixed in your habits. Living or skating this way leaves no room for growth or exploration, and although shifting gears is not always easy, a life like that would make me miserable. In one derby practice or a few hours of my daily life the necessity to switch gears, shift focus and regroup are plentiful. Although they bring out different facets of my personality and require unique skills there are a lot of parallels between my momming/derby existences, and I believe they very strongly complement each other. I'm realizing that for me a lot of life is about how we weather the unexpected and how skilled we are at adapting.

We worked a ton today on more aggressively blocking and I have to admit I was intimidated, questioning myself and whether I'm tough enough to handle this sport and all the unexpected impact that can occur during a bout. I am really not a very aggressive person. When I was studying karate sparring was always challenging for me. Eventually I got used to it the more I sparred but not without a ton of effort. This is precisely why I believe derby is an excellent activity for me. It goes against the grain of my habitual approach to life and my interactions with others. Although it's usually surprising and never easy I'm used to falling and getting back up in my life and with my skating. Each time I pick myself up and begin again or receive a terrifically powerful check I realize how strong I can be. All this physical contact and falling is really good for me. I have always believed that life presents us with the same lesson repeatedly and in many different manifestions until we fully understand. For me, being a bit more aggressive is one of those lessons that keeps coming back to me. I think derby works on a psycho-physical level to teach me more about that, and to study my responses to situations and stimuli that call for more assertiveness.

The countdown begins....only about 53 hours until the test!!! Stay tuned fair readers!! And to show your support for Maraud Lebowski make sure to make one small choice today that goes against your habit!

Week 8

A year ago this week my daughter was born. After a sleepless, rib crushing, breath limiting, indigestion and nausea riddled full 9 months of ridiculous amounts of her dancing, running in place, kicking, stretching, punching, squirming, flipping, pushing and just plain making me tremendously uncomfortable, at 3:33 AM on November 11th she finally performed a water breaking 1 inch punch in utero that Beatrix Kiddo herself would be proud of.

She was born and then proceeded to shriek at us nonstop for a full month. The boy was nothing like this, a fairly comfortable pregnancy and miraculously sleeping through the night at 3 weeks old. I always tell people he tricked me into having a sibling with his good behavior and easy pregnancy. Somehow that little banshee- like, screaming, miserable girl has morphed into a joyful, radiant, constantly giggling and dancing one year old, with twinkly, vibrant, beaming eyes that can melt tungsten. How the heck has a year gone by?? I love that the WFTDA test next Tuesday is so close to her birthday. It will actually mark the one year anniversary of our first night home from the hospital with Oona. It's bonkersville to consider how different I was a year ago. I weighed about 30 pounds more and moved like something resembling an enormous injured penguin, with extreme sciatic pain most days. It's so amazing to be mobile again, doing something extremely athletic and able to breathe, my only real aches and pains induced by a good night of derby practice full of falling, squatting, skating hard, and checking.

There's a lot my one year old and I have in common. And a bunch I can learn from her. For starters, she is an absolute master of the 4 point fall, one of the skills I need to work on and be proficient at for the test that involves falling on your knees and forearms. She also offers me a ton of practice on my recoveries from the ground. I am always up in 2-3 seconds when I am shadowing her because she is constantly, tirelessly on the move and I never get a chance to actually sit longer than that. She's only about 29 inches tall so I get a lot of practice working my deep derby stance as I walk around with her grabbing at my hand, yanking me room to room as she chases after her brother, who I believe is a teeny bit frightened of her mightiness. At times I feel as shaky on my feet as she was learning to sort out her balance and walk, punctuating her movement with falls and stumbles. It's as if I am learning to run right along with her, with the addition of 8 wheels.

This week at practice we went through the test as it will be next week. I am thrilled to report, what was once my nemesis I am beginning to very slowly make peace with. I actually really LOVE plow stops lately, and am beginning to (dare I say it.....) ENJOY jumping.

Last night I skated the dreaded 25 in 5 minutes at 4.24! I definitely need to work on not panicking when I am behind a few other skaters and trying to pass. I cut the track a few times to pass and that is not good, and I'm pretty sure could be a penalty if I was in a bout. (did I mention that I really have to study the rules before the test next week??!?) I am also feeling like I missed out on something not being involved in a team of any sort until this point in my life. The coach who was counting my laps kept watching the clock, talking me through and letting me know how I was doing on my pace. All of these women are awesome, so funny, energetic, positive and encouraging. I finished my laps and a few of the girls came up as I was kneeling there grinning and panting like a freak and high-fived me. I had had a particularly challenging day, with a borderline migraine from when I woke and that simple act of kindness and encouragement seriously made my day. It's very easy to feel disconnected when trapped in the house for a few rainy, cold days with a  2 1/2 year and 1 year old. Skating in a tight pack with a bunch of super cool women is the best remedy I have found for that.

So dear readers, only one more Saturday practice until the test.....think I need end my babbling here for now and start studying my rules.

Week 7 Training/Saturday

Just when I believed I couldn't be any more in love I upgraded my wheels. And it was kind of like this:

Holy cannoli, where do I start??? Plow stops just became 20% easier, I swear they roll much faster, are way more responsive to my weight shifts, and make quick footwork even more fun and easeful with their slightly extra grippiness. To top all that off I had absolutely no idea how vibratory the wheels that came with my skates are. I can't believe I skated on them for 6 weeks with no knowledge of how much more enjoyable my ride could be. I was already having a blast but this is beyond the beyond. These wheels provide a crazy smooth ride. And very similar to Peter Parker, I was slightly afraid of them. For about 5 minutes, then I didn't want to stop skating ever. Seriously, I was so disappointed practice was over.

Crazy crazy amounts of fun.

This week we reviewed a ton in preparation for the WFTDA test.One part of the warm up that was super cool and I just have to babble about involved us skating in a huge circle and then closing the circle in as tight as we could. It was like an amusement park ride, a roller derby version of the ice capades. It was the first time I actually got a little dizzy, but so much fun that I didn't want to stop. I couldn't help thinking how this must be very similar to what the boy experiences when he spins himself like a dervish in the kitchen and is laughing but a tiny bit freaked out and needs to sit down for a moment and regain his balance. Just that awesome whooshing sound of everyone's wheels, the walls of the rink less and less in focus, but the people you are skating with strangely more in focus.

Another exercise we did was to skate 40 laps in 10 minutes as a pack. This was an amazing experience, and the highpoint of my week. The transition we went through from start to finish was extraordinary. We started out as individuals but as we found our pace transformed into this amoeba-like organism, filling in the spaces as we moved, and working as a unit. Did I mention my complete fascination and love of skating in a pack? It is all about maintaining awareness of yourself and your packmates, keeping in contact both visually and physically. Ideally you constantly touch each other, and keep about an arm's distance away. The skaters on the inside will skate a fraction slower, and if you are on the outside edges you really have to do some work crossing over and slightly increasing speed around the corners so you can close the holes up. I love the moments when you are so in sync that you can sense the skater next to you, behind you or in front of you adjusting their pace and you react accordingly. It's like I imagine a pack of mustangs, a school of fish or flock of birds communicates, on some nonverbal level, sensing each other as they move.

We are getting closer and closer to the test. It is one week from tomorrow, and I am feeling very overwhelmed by all the rules and referee hand signals I need to learn. Cross your fingers for me guys, and send good thoughts on November 15th from about 7:15 to 10. 

Week 7/Tuesday

I've been thinking a lot about balance lately. How many times a day and in how many different ways I can be thrown off balance. 

Let's start with the least complicated loss of balance for me....

We're skating in two long pacelines, close enough to the person in front of you that you can touch, and with a 3 or 4 ft space in between the two lines. The skaters at the back of the lines then move forward and hip or body check teammates, swerving back and forth and alternating sides. When you receive a nice, solid check you get thrown off balance, and definitely need to adapt and recover. On the giving checks side of it, if you are not on balance yourself or lining yourself up in the most efficient position as you attempt to deliver one then that is a whole other way of getting thrown off your balance. I feel like at the moment I am stumbling more as a result of this than when I receive a check. It probably sounds a teeny bit whacked, but I much prefer getting checked right now because somehow it's easier for me to adapt. Also, for some reason it's much easier for me to deliver semi decent checks with this drill than when I am skating side by side with a partner attempting it. I'm wondering if it has something to do with coming from slightly behind and having that split second to line yourself up. When I'm side by side I have a real tendency to bump wheels and then I end up going flying instead of the other way around.

Seriously, this training is the most fun I have had in years. I'm bonkers for it. These women are incredible, and it is energizing to be in their company and get to practice all these skills. Not only am I improving as a skater but all this impact/physical loss of balance and falling business is so empowering and incredibly helpful with my momming.

Here's where the loss/recovery of balance becomes much more complex...on any given day I am bombarded with unexplainable tantrums, refusal to eat or put on any number of articles of clothing, shifts in mood that could generate small earthquakes, monumental stubbornness, and just general fussiness. And have I mentioned that my one year old daughter is perhaps the most difficult child in the world to change or wrangle into a carseat? Seriously, it's like mixed martial arts. She is small but oh so mighty. I have bruises from her kicking me or inflicting her vice-like grip. She is a mini derby girl in pre-training, and my inspiration.

So in some strange way this dual existence really works well for me. I experience days where I am deeply doubting my skill as a mom and ability to balance all that can occur in a 10 minute span of time. Real "Calgon-take-me-away" type moments. You know, the pot's boiling over on the stove, the washing machine is leaking water as it spins and shakes, the dog's barking or tracking poop all over the floor where the baby is crawling, the phone and doorbell are ringing, the kid's screaming because you will not allow him to grab the dog's privates, the cat is yowling and/or spewing hairballs and making sounds like she has a demon emerging? Then I allow myself to think about the number of times I lose my balance at practice and somehow order is restored, both in my physical and mental/emotional existence.

The WFTDA test is Tuesday November 15th. Think of me that day from about 8 to 10 PM. Only about 3 or 4 more practices to go. I am psyched to report that I'm gradually assembling a better understanding of the mechanics involved in performing a plow stop. There may actually come a time when I feel comfortable relying on them as a method of stopping. I'm also less and less petrified of jumping, and I manage to get both feet off the ground fairly often. Blocking is coming along, if I can just duct tape my elbows to my torso or fashion some type of double arm sling I should be fine.

Another practice tomorrow morning. Woo hoo!!

Week 7 Training/Sunday

This is very similar to something I did at practice today, and I am super disappointed that no one was filming me.....

Seriously, in my wildest dreams not even remotely. And you, dear reader are surprisingly more gullible than me if you even considered that for a moment. But it does inspire me to begin compiling my super hero wish list:
1. The ability to skate like this guy. And do parkour.
2. When we were watching "Heroes" on TV there was this girl who had the coolest ability I could ever imagine, and as far as super powers go, it seems to me like the only one you would really ever need . She could either just observe a person for moments or watch a video of someone doing ANYTHING and then be able to do whatever she just watched. How awesome is that?? And I guess if I was fortunate enough to acquire this super power we could just go ahead and cancel wish number one.

So today we worked a lot on skating in a pack, plow stopping, booty blocking and hip/body checking. And to be completely honest, I felt like a totally uncoordinated idiot. This was a really challenging day for me. I was sliding all over in my plow stops in the pack, seriously concerned I was going to smack into someone. And then I realized I had all my weight on my big toes and things started to look up when I began putting a bit of weight on my heels too. For those of you who don't skate, a plow stop is when you get your feet out very wide, then turn your toes in and bring them towards each other, deeply bend all your leg joints, stick your butt way out and either bring yourself to a stop or just decrease your speed. It is the absolute safest way to stop in derby, and can also be a really effective way to block/slow down/impede the opposing jammer from passing you and scoring a point. Kind of a tough skill on its own, it becomes even more challenging when you are skating closely in a pack and everyone is plow stopping with their legs out wide. The chances of knocking wheels or tripping over someone's leg are really increased.

I was managing pretty well with the warm up to hip/body checking on my knees side by side with my partner. But today when we got up and worked on this skill while skating I was a total mess. I feel like I'm a fairly decent skater, but it was as if my consciousness had just arrived in my body and had never read the instruction manual. I kept knocking into her wheels and stumbling, or just falling all over myself most times I attempted to get close and hip check her. I did notice that the few solid ones I got in were only when I wasn't completely over thinking the movement or just freezing with that fear in the back of my head that I could potentially stumble yet again. If you haven't figured it out yet, I am a habitual MASSIVE over thinker. There are times that I can work with this personality trait and it serves me spectacularly, and instances like this that it just destroys me. It presents itself on full volume in moments when I really want to understand something, and this was one of those moments. Several times when I actually managed to get the mechanics right and make good contact these damn elbows were knocking into everyone, such a remnant of NY subway riding. That would be a penalty and I would end up in the box. It was really a pretty comical scene, me skating up to people, checking them and then apologizing profusely for throwing yet another elbow. For me this is the most challenging skill we have worked on yet, and the mechanics of it fascinate me when I am inhibiting my initial frustration. I can't wait to get it, and I am so excited for Tuesday because I really want to practice again.  My poor, sainted husband is either running away from me or throwing himself to the floor playing possum because I keep sneaking up on/begging him to let me hip check him.

Since I seem to be on an "aquiring super powers" kick it only seems right to mention that this week Oona woke up from a nap and began walking unassisted from room to room, squawking and chattering as she went. She had never done that before. The squawking and chattering yes, and at high decibel levels. I still maintain she is quite possibly the loudest baby on the planet, but she had not been fully mobile prior to that nap. She woke, I got her out of her crib, she was twisting in my arms insisting to be put down and when her butt hit the floor she brought herself up to a stand and then off she went, exploring all the rooms of the house from her new perspective. It was if she had been walking for weeks. Holy power nap Batman. Here's hoping that one day soon I will wake up and be able to give consistent hip/body checks with no accidental elbows.

Week 6 Training

It's about 8:45 PM, and I am in a room full of women, kneeling and partnered up side by side, slamming into each other with our full side, using our legs to generate as much force as possible. The majority of us are all laughing like hyenas. Or wait, maybe that's just me and my partner, knocking each other over, cracking up when we stumble or accidentally elbow each other, asking if the other is ok, and then repeating. MANY MANY times.

I don't know what you guys did last night, but I had a blast. What a wonderful way to end my day filled with unexplainable, atomic 2 year old tantrums.

From an Alexander Technique perspective, (which any of you that know me realize it is absolutely impossible for me to look through any other eyes) it was genius of the coach to make us start the exercise on our knees before standing or skating and attempting the mechanics of it. It's tricky once you are rolling forward at a decent speed to then generate enough force to the side, impact another body, ideally make them stumble or fall but not stumble/fall yourself. Tricky, but offering just enough challenge to further fuel my addiction to this sport. Poor Alan, not only does he solo put the kids to bed when I practice, but I have been begging him all day today to let me practice checking. As an aside, our coach is amazing, and hugely inspires me, as an individual and a skater. She led her old team to 4 consecutive championships and is one of the most positive people I've met. She also mentioned bringing in a belly dance instructor for her old team to assist with learning the movements needed to perfect their booty blocking skills. Awesome.

Seriously, I can't decide what I enjoy more: slamming into someone, generating my force from the ground and speed I am skating at or being slammed into and getting to utilize every Alexander Technique opposition I have to lean into them and counter. Crazy, crazy amounts of fun. I do have to watch those elbows though...years of subway riding in NY have made me an elbow thrower and that could wind me up in the penalty box if I actually make the team. Did I mention the WFTDA test is on November 15th? Mark your calendars and keep your fingers crossed for me!

In the ongoing saga of Maraud Lebowksi and her aversion to jumping, I can tell you that I am actually making progress. Not in the sense that I would ever ask any of you to lie down and allow me to jump over you, but I'm slowly getting there. For me mechanically it really makes sense to have a good speed going, maintain my derby stance (or monkey for my Alexander friends), release a bit deeper into my leg joints, use a teeny bit of arms and just pick my knees up to my stomach, ankles maintaining flexion, feet flat underneath me. Although every fiber of my being repeatedly tells me not to do this, it's much easier if I can inhibit that instinct and just go for it, eliminate the doubts I have. If you ever attempt this, never look down. Eyes forward, looking where you are going, which is the best place for your focus just in straight skating as well.

And eyes forward, directly towards my beer and perhaps a warm epsom bath is where I am headed tonight my friends. Till Sunday!

Week 6 Training/Sunday

I sure love the whooshing sound of wheels on the floor in an otherwise silent rink...I was the first one there today and got to skate all by myself for 10 minutes. Exquisite. The effect is even better when the rest of the team arrives and no one is speaking, just that smooth, collective whoosh....
Oh man where do I start? We had a bonus practice this morning. And it was an awesome one, chock full of drills that had me cackling with glee, sweating like a freak and wishing for more.
The first drill we did was entirely too much fun. We had to skate in a paceline, which requires skaters to keep the same pace and maintain about 2 or 3 feet in between us as we skate one behind another. The person at the front then had to break away and sprint a full lap around the track. When you caught up to the back of the line you had to then weave in and out of the skaters (distanced about 2 ft apart) maintaining the line. Once you wound yourself up to the front then you had to sprint around a lap again, until you came to the end of the line. Then sadly you had to slow down and let the person at the front take off and repeat the drill.
I was pouting about not getting to do this particular drill about 22 more times when the coach announced we would now learn to do arm whips. Before outlining the drill for you let me just tell you that all pouting ceased, and throughout the course of the following drill I was laughing out loud wildly and somewhat like a lunatic, perhaps frightening my partner slightly. There is a shirt one of my derby sisters told me she saw being sold at a bout that said "I like to be whipped." I must find and own that shirt.
But, as is par for the course in my everyday conversation and writing, I digress. So the drill was awesome. We were working with a partner. They skated up behind you, and called out "outside" or "inside." The person in front then turned toward that side and held out their hand, arm extended. The back skater then grabs the extended hand as if to shake hands and the forearm of the person in front. Then simultaneously the front person whips their whole arm forward and the back person pulls themself through. The effect is marvelous. The whipee goes flying, and it is best to get control by taking a few quick steps as you get thrown. Now the drill continues with the skater who was acting as whipper having to skate like hell to catch up to the person you just flung, yell out inside or outside and then get whipped. Let me tell you, if you are like Maverick in Top Gun and share his "need for speed" this drill will be your nirvana. I was whipping that poor chick with everything I had and then a little more, just so I could sprint around and catch her. This was probably the fastest I have ever skated, and I'm not certain, but I believe I may have ruptured the space-time continuum.....
Because I am an enormous Alexander Technique nerd (and just a big dork in general) the mechanics of this particular drill are super fun for me to dissect. Ideally the whipper wants to have a fair amount of speed going. Then the whippee (and that's what I yelled mostly to myself but sometimes out loud when in that role) grabs on and with the action of the whip is catapulted forward not only with their existing speed but the speed of the person whipping them. The whipper loses momentum and falls back slightly because the whippee has taken it all. If you are not actively working a deep derby stance (or monkey in Alexander Speak) you will very possibly fall as you take or give the whip. And those quick little cross over steps after being whipped are so useful to regain any balance lost. Whippeeee!!!!
After the whipping drill we practiced jumping. And I actually did it. No joke, this 40 year old out-of-shape mom picked her knees up like I was on the moguls (or how I imagine that would be as I have never skiied) while squatting in my stance and made it over repeatedly. Rejoice!!
Next we worked on what is called "booty blocking." This is pretty much self-explanatory. You get low and very wide in your stance, lunge or step side to side and use your tookus to impede anyone from passing you. It is mainly a positional block, just getting in the way so the jammer can't pass you.
Last we skated our 25 laps in 5 minutes. I made it with about 20 seconds to spare!!!
I have been thinking a lot about balance lately, in both my pedestrian and derby lives. How attached we are to it, desperate not to lose it. One of the things I really enjoy about this sport is that so much of it is about losing balance, and quickly righting yourself. Letting yourself sort of ride the loss of balance, and then quickly recover and keep moving forward. The boy is a tantrum maniac these past few weeks. It's exhausting. He just freaks out for minutes at a time for reasons I can't explain. His eyes get all wacky and unfocused and I'm considering yellow-paging an exorcist or nipping into the wine and then he's done and moving on with his day. That seems pretty in line with the skills I am honing in my derby training. You just can't be afraid of falling, be it in derby or in life. It is inevitable and in my opinion a good portion of the ride. Maybe I really am completely nuts or just blinded by my love of this sport but I'm not concerned about it. I was thinking back to several summers ago when I fell off a curb in Brooklyn and badly sprained my ankle. The Xray guy told me I would have been better off just breaking it the sprain was so severe. One month later I was practically healed, fell off another curb and sprained the other ankle even worse. At least if I fall with this activity I will have a fairly interesting excuse.
And now, this mortal form needs coffee.

Week 5 Training

If I was actually a superhero I believe my many powers would include some sort of extended adrenaline rush. Practices end at 10 or 10:30 pm and I have a terrible time falling asleep after. If any of you are ever suffering insomnia or just up late and lonely/bored on a Tuesday night feel free to give me a call. I'd be happy to babble at you about all the awesome things we did at practice, till you either fell asleep or begged me to shut up.  I am also never sore until 2 days after practice. This morning I attempted to convince myself and Alan that this had something to do with my extended adrenaline rush superpower and he had a great time laughing at me. I still believe it is a distinct possibility....

This week I got a taste (on a much smaller level) of what the training would be like for one of those "Strongest Man Alive" competitions. And I liked it. Nope, I freaking LOVED it. So much fun and the most alive and present I have felt all week. Probably one of the most physically challenging things I've ever done, but wow I was disappointed the whistle blew before I got to do it a fourth time. 

The drill was skating with a line of 5 of your derby sisters behind you, each of us grabbing the hips of the person in front of you, maintaining a deep, squatted derby stance. The person at the front of the line was the only one who was skating. Everyone else was just maintaining their deep squat. We also had to push the line of 5 girls from behind. When you were in front or pushing from behind you really had to dig deep into your oppositions and find your connection to the ground as you attempted to pick up momentum and drag/push your team. My teammates tell me we were really whizzing when I was pulling. It was hard for me to have any sense of speed though. It's fascinating to me, with that much weight behind you it seemed like we were underwater, or that I was just moving in place.

If anything seems challenging to me this week I will reflect on this experience. Somedays with the two kiddos I feel so exhausted, overwhelmed, like I have no idea what the heck I am doing and am just barely staying afloat. Ten minute spans are action packed, often a completely wacko balancing act reminding me of the "boat, sack of grain, chicken and fox" mind puzzle.

My kids are unstoppable. I want to be more like them. They fall, they are screeching, crying and bruised. My attempts to pick them up and offer comfort are rejected with twisting, squirming insistence on getting back to what they were doing. The minute I relinquish my need to comfort them they are back on their feet, fearless and off and running. This runs through my thinking each time I falter attempting the stupid jump on the obstacle course that is this superhero's kryptonite. This momming/roller derby diva dual existence is a really terrific blend. I can learn a lot from them.

I am reminded this week that the feats we are capable of are astonishing. I think about what things were like a year ago for me. I was a few weeks away from having Oona, very very pregnant, 30 lbs heavier, extremely uncomfortable and waddling like an enormous penguin. A year later I am skating 25 laps in 5 minutes, sliding on my knees like a rockstar, running on my skates and pulling 5 girls behind me. And just today, I changed 4 solid filled diapers in about 10 minutes, the two kids alternating like some sort of defecation relay.

Until next week, dear readers!!

Week 4 Training (Part Two)

I have decided that for my next birthday I want to do all the drills we did last night over and over until I cannot skate any longer or they kick us out of the rink. And then I want to have several margaritas. That would pretty much be the perfect day.   I arrived at this while soaking in a hot epsom bath drinking cold beer and nursing my strained quad muscles after practice last night. Alas, I am an old woman, and no longer have the body of my twenties. And I have done far too many knee and baseball slides this evening. But I just can't stop, I am horribly, horribly, deeply addicted.
In order to pass the test quickly approaching on November 15th we have to be proficient in several skills. Not only do we need pass a written test and be able to skate 25 laps in 5 minutes, there are several other derby skills we need to prove. Last night was a full one, and admittedly, I am a borderline lunatic but the fun never stopped for me.
The first drill was set up to work on our ability to cut quickly across the track. (3 cuts on the straightaway, 2 on the curves) The ideal method (and an excellent prep for giving body checks to block and for recovering from getting hit) is to practice skating at a decent pace and then pick up your feet and sort of run back and forth, interspersed with some gliding/slalom type moves too. Sound nuts? I've never had so much fun. And it is counter-intuitive, but it gets much much easier the more speed you pick up.
The second drill we worked with a partner. We had to skate around the rink, taking turns leaning with our full side against them, attempting to skate them out of bounds. This is a way of blocking opponents in the pack, allowing your jammer to pass through and score a point by passing them. Total blast. The more you lean with all of you, contacting the floor and pushing from it as you skate the quicker and more easefully that partner goes out.
Next was a drill involving pretty much the only thing so far I don't like about derby. Skating next to your partner, attempting to lock/knock skates and set them off balance. This happens a lot when skating in a close pack so although I hate this drill like poison, it is extremely useful to practice in a safe environment where you are actually allowed to grab your partner to right yourselves.
The next drill was my all-time favorite. Skating with your partner, you set up behind them, both of you in deep, squatted derby stance, grab their hips and pull yourself closer, then give them a push and send them flying ahead of you. Then you need to skate like hell, pass them, and set up in front so they can do it to you. I was flinging that poor girl as hard as I could, loving the race to catch up and pass her.
The last one we did was similar, but practicing what is called a hip whip, and is very useful in bettering your position in the pack, catapulting yourself forward utilizing the momentum the front partner has going. You set up behind your partner, again in that deep squat, take their hips and then push them as hard as you can behind you, simultaneously pulling yourself foward and around one side of them. They sacrifice their momentum, but you go flying. Wooo hoooo!
I love that this sport is such a strange juxtaposition of all the activities I have practiced in my past lives. It makes sense to me on a very deep physical level. There is so much of my dancing in there. And karate. And unbelieveable amounts of Alexander Technique. And my lifelong love affair with skating. I know I say it each week I write to you all, but I am in heaven. I can't encourage all of you enough that if you have dreams of things you want to try just once, you MUST follow them.  Injured tailbone and now strained quad aside, I am a better version of myself since I started this. I love myself more, I enjoy and appreciate the rest of my life more fully.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my hot water bottle.
Oh, and ps.....please do me a favor. If you read my blog can you please add yourselves to my "followers"? I just like to know who's coming along with me on this wacky adventure.

Week 4 Training

It's Derby Day!!

I wake. My eyes open slowly to a deliciously silent room, the welcome sound of Alan grinding the coffee beans. There is dappled sunlight coming in my window, a cool fall breeze gently moving the curtains.There's this soft hum in my ear. I strain to hear it.  What is that? Is is coming from outside? Is it the fridge? The baby monitor? Then the boy comes padding in, with his book and stuffed dog that he brings every morning, wanting me to read to them as we snuggle in bed. Whatever the sound was, it's gone for now, reduced to a tiny muffle as I begin my day.

After taking Alan to work the kiddos and I stop at the park. Surprisingly, there is a rare moment of actual, peaceful, genuine silence in the car as we drive. No one is asking me to spell things, explain what red/green lights or the "ing" on the end of "park" on a sign means. The girl has found solace in one of her books.  There it is again, that hum from the morning, but only a teeny bit louder, teasing at my eardrums, just barely audible. I'm puzzling over this when the silence is broken by windows shattering (exaggeration) and screechingly loud (NO exaggeration) monkey/banshee/dolphin calls from the girl and simultaneous questioning from Aldo, "What is Oona saaaayyyyinggg???"

Now it's lunch time, and there it is again, that buzz in the furthest depths of my hearing, only now it's less polite, co-existing with the kids as they have some sort of non-verbal conversation with each other, banging their heads back on their high chairs laughing like hyenas as they eat.  Them and this hum in my ear, along with the sound of the garbage truck and the incessantly barking, extremely annoying mutt mini pinscher across the street who I would like to feed a laced milkbone to is creating a lovely cacophony as the soundtrack for my day. But still, that hum is just not clear enough for me to make out.

As I drive to the rink there it is again, this time more rhythmic and louder than ever, nagging at my ears, insistent. I'm pulling on my awesome striped knee socks, lacing my skates, adjusting my toe savers and double checking the pads I slipped in to protect against blisters. Finally I am strapping on my elbow, knee and wrist guards. Mouth guard in tasting freshly of the mouthwash I just rinsed it in. Helmet on. I make my way to the track, push off in a run on my giant toe stops and there it is, only this time, full volume, no politeness or stepping back to allow my day of momming to take the forefront. It's crystal clear now, in sharp focus and on high volume, the music pulsating through my veins, reverberating in my ears. I'm experiencing it on a cellular level, and grinning with every piece of my being:

Week Three Training/day two

Well, my gut instinct was correct. I am supposed to be doing this. I am truly irritated that I allowed myself to be deprived of this amount of fun for 2 decades. Mark my words, 20 years from now if I am still alive and kicking I am going to be coaching other women to do this when I am 60, wearing my brightly colored Converse Chuck Taylors.

We skated in a pack for the first time last night. Extraordinary. The 10 or so of us are basically strangers, not really having the time in 2 practices to get to know each other yet. I came away from my first pack experience feeling a much deeper sense of each of these amazing ladies, their energies, balance, and personalities. Each of them came into much sharper focus as individuals for me, as a result of working together like some kind of amoeba-like mass. Wow, what a blast.

Here's a very brief overview of the rules of the game. There are two teams, each consisting of 4 blockers (one of these is designated as the "pivot" and is sort of the head blocker, also the only player able take the jammer's place if need be and a successful pass of the star helmet cover is made.) The 5th member of the team is called the jammer, and they wear a star helmet cover. They need to skate crazy fast and are the only ones who score points. Points are acquired by breaking through the pack, skating a lap and then breaking through again and passing members of the opposing team. Within the pack you can lean on, whip, push or touch your own teammates, all in a strategic way to allow your jammer to pass and at the same time blocking the opposing jammer from doing so. The pivot, who kind of guides the pack as a whole, can signal to shift, speed up or slow down the pack all in an attempt to assist the jammer in scoring points, and block the opposing jammer. Competitions are called "bouts" and are comprised of two 30 minute halves, broken into 2 minute jams. All of this crazy, intricate action takes place in a 2 minute jam. Last week when I got the opportunity to act as a penalty time keeper at a scrimmage I witnessed a few of the jammers score upwards of 15 points. Think about it, that means that within a 2 minute time frame, these chicks had to skate 4 times around the track (AND fight through the pack each time AND pass all five players on the opposing team 3 times each!) Amazing.

The drill was that all 10 of us would skate around the track in a very large, tight pack, swerving in and out of each other, constantly touching each other on the back, hips, or arms, leaning into each other, switching position, all the while attempting to make it very challenging for the 3 other skaters who were designated as jammers to pass. When skating this close together it is essential that you can propel yourself fairly briskly without picking up your feet too much, if at all. One extra long push with your foot trailing too far away from you, one misstep or faulty shift of weight can result in a mega spill for you or a good portion of your pack. Communication and 360 degree awareness of yourself, the pack and the jammers are absolutely essential. If you are not comfortable skating and looking behind yourself constantly then you just shouldn't be attempting roller derby. Me personally, I LIVE for this. I turn on, it runs through my veins and my breath, engulfs my very being. Although acutely aware of the number of ways this could all go very wrong, I am so at home, relaxed. Perhaps it's the 20 years I spent waiting tables (most of that in crazed New York restaurants) or the 12 years Alan and I lived there and dealt with absolutely bonkers situations of over crowding and pushing on the bumpy, shaking subway and bustling sidewalks. If I remind myself to suspend the panic and claustrophobic inklings of the moment and just observe and respond to the gentle shifts within the pack the openings through which to skate present themselves. I HATED so much about the insanity of over-crowding in NY, but honestly I think those years of experience have offered me some valuable insight for this game, and for that I am grateful.

I tumble deeper and deeper in my love and addiction......

And now to the ongoing struggle of choosing my ultimate Roller Derby name....unique to me, fitting my skating style and not already claimed by any of my derby sisters.....a task I have been involved in for about 20 years, and am presently struggling with. At the time Alan and I created this blog I was solidly committed to Auntie Maim. (the Rosalind Russell version being one of my favorite all-time movies and Mame Dennis,who combined with Freddie Mercury is the perfect juxtaposition of the person I aspire to be)  In the Derby world, similar to racehorses there can be only one skater with a name. Girls register their name, and some have even trademarked theirs.  I have dreamed of my name for years, coming up with all sorts of terrific doozies.  When I decided I wanted to actually do this Alan and I covered SHEETS of paper with all the possibilities and hung them on the fridge to contemplate. Until very recently, I had no idea of the "one-of-a-kind" name rule. So, for your enjoyment I will list here (not in any specific order) as many of the way-too-good-not-to-be-mentioned-but-sadly-already-taken monikers in the history of my quest for the perfect name:

Lucille Brawl
Ella Hitzgerald
Auntie Maim                     
Amelia Tearheart
Maim Dennis Dorothy Slammel
Scary Lou Henner
Nancy Impairigan
Rosalind Hustle
Killda Swinton
Tallulah Shankhead
EradiKate
Ann I. Hilkate
Maggie Kyllenhaal
Zooma Thurman
Susan Sarandoom
Drew Burymore
Slamdra Bullock
TS Helliot
Dame Judy Wench
Scare-all Streep
Isahella Rossellini
Hate Blanchett
Elizabeth Surly
Zooey Decksanel
Reese Witherdoom
Barbra Diesand

These are all either taken, or I've just decided they don't fit me, and are too similar to other skaters in the league.  I want my name to be witty, but also have some personal meaning to me. That made my top three Lucille Brawl, Auntie Maim and Tallulah Shankhead. Tragically, Lucille was taken, and just this week I checked the master roster and Aunt E. Maim was now claimed. That left Tallulah, in honor of my daughter's first name. (we call her by her middle name, Oona, but for the life of me, I can't come up with a good derby name involving Oona O'Neil.) I submitted that, and one of my fellow trainees let me know that there was a Tallulah Banghead on a neighboring league. Cursed with always desiring to be an rugged individualist, it was back to the drawing board for me.  The chances of there being two Tallulahs on the track if I actually pass the test November 15 and we ever bouted that team was way too much of a deterrent to me. So, after two decades and much much deep and often beer, tequila or whiskey driven soul-searching I have arrived at............


drumroll and great fanfare please.........

Maraud Lebowski, number K8

It's not taken by anyone, not similar in any way, involves my other love of bowling and I think, after skating in a pack for the first time last night indicative of my emerging skating style. It feels right. And ps, Maude Lebowski is awesome, as is EVERYTHING about "The Big Lebowski." Seriously, one of my all-time favorite movies. Run, don't walk to wherever you acquire your movies and see it. A must. It is genius, from start to finish. So when Alan and I get it together, that will be the new name of this blog. maraudlebowskiK8.blogspot.com.

Week 3 Training

In this week's episode we find our fair protagonist involved in a high speed drill that involves skating as fast as one can till the whistle blows, then sending participants into a one knee slide that ideally spins them 180 degrees to facing the opposite direction, next dropping to the ground and performing assorted exercises including holding a plank position, push-ups, sit-ups, or leg lifts. When the whistle blows you are to hop up onto your feet without using your hands in any way in less than 3 seconds and then off skating in the opposite direction at maximum speed. This is repeated for the duration of 5 minutes.

I am Kate Kobak, bumbling, confused and often mild-mannered mom by day, and ultimate super hero on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

Perhaps my mind is just that demolished from my momming duties, but this is the most fun I have had in years. I have missed the calm and open space that my brain arrives at when tasked with challenging, aerobic pure movement for movement's sake. I could do this for half an hour if they'd let me, collapsing in a heap with my water on the side of the rink, eyes twinkling , giggling like a mad woman and relishing the mental clarity I have arrived at.

But alas, we end the drill after the allotted 5 minutes, and move on to working the track. I have decided that the smile that enters my heart when I skate fast and efficiently is matched only by the smile that crosses the boy's lips and spreads throughout his entire face up to his ears and scalp when he hears a song he knows on the radio in the car. It's like he is always so surprised when that happens, as if the music he knows only exists at home. It is amazing and delicious. I want to eat his whole head, or at least kiss him till he begs me to stop. He experiences it in his whole person, and often asks me "what is Aldo doing?" when he is immersed in it.

But I digress....Today we are working on skating the track, going out to the edges on the sides and then crossing in tight in the corners, staying in a low derby stance and crossing over the whole time. Allowing your head and shoulders to point into the direction you want to shift, leading the whole thing. Again, I am begging for this never to stop. Then we move on to falls and slides.

The trick here friends is an excellent, chunky round toe stop. You must have no fear or tightening and also cannot throw yourself down into the floor, but instead approach it with some opposition. Although you are physically moving down in space to reach the floor, you are in no way sending all of your direction and energy down. It's like a one legged squat, with your back knee on the floor and toe stop or side of your back skate dragging a bit, but your torso and head are still aiming up in space, taking a lot of weight and force off your knees and legs. All about the torso leg opposition. You are also not allowed to use your hands in any way to get up. That is the power of the toe stop. Slam that puppy into the ground to steady yourself, send your head up into space and waa laaa! You are up and running on both toe stops and then gliding again. Two knee slides are basically the same, except you get to lean waaaay back to counterbalance and pretend you are David Lee Roth. If you are a huge dork like me you can also envision yourself giving the appropriate double handed gesture that those rock and roll gods always do, with the two middle fingers folded down toward your wrist and thumb, pinky and pointer finger sky high.  You know the one. Yep, I do that and waggle my tongue around wildly like Gene Simmons, but as Robin Williams said in the Birdcage, "You do an eclectic celebration of a dance!! You do Fosse Fosse Fosse!! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham. Or Twyla Twyla!!! or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Madonna, Madonna....but you keep it all inside."

But as we all know, each superhero/closeted rock and roll goddess must have their kryptonite. And mine, dear readers is the obstacle course. I was an abomination. And not in the sense of the human mutate Emil Blonsky with superhuman strength, speed, stamina, durability, regenerative and healing factors who battled the Hulk, to some ranked as the "Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time."  No, sadly I was the other kind.

You begin the course sitting. When the whistle blows, you get up, skate off, duck under a broom handle two people are holding, then jump over another broom supported a measly 3 inches off the ground, then pick up speed and slalom in and out of several cones, and finish with a plow stop. (Which is opening your legs wide, then pointing your toes together and bringing them towards your center, using huge amounts of inner thigh power.)  Because of my spill last week I am still nursing a very sore tailbone and I began the whole thing with a big fear of falling as I jump. With the whistle I got up fine, squatted under the first broom no sweat and then allowed TERROR to set in....knocked the second broom off, dragged it a while and then literally froze in the slalom cones and ended up dragging most of them with me, all in a line under and around my skates. The plow stop (which I can do effectively at any other point in time) turned out as a ridiculous fall on all fours, accompanied by yours truly getting up and performing the campiest, most over the top bow I could take, laughing till I had tears at the ridiculous mess I had created on the course.  Fear is an amazing power. Such a limit it puts on all the possibilities available to you. To make my time, I totally could have just swerved to the outside of that broom. But instead I froze, and shut off my ability to reason.

Well, folks, I've squandered another naptime with babbling on my blog. The kiddos are rising, and the call of coffee is powerful. With my sliding seminar still fresh in my head and body I feel it's appropriate to leave you with a favorite quote from Hunter S. Thompson that my father-in-law uses.....

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!!!"

Stay tuned, folks, for the next episode in my mad cap adventure.....

Week Two Training

Ohhhhhh.....THAT'S why a lot of the girls wear bike shorts.


It only hurts when I sit down.


I have been alternating between those two lines for this post title all morning.

I'm whizzing around the track, practicing my cross-overs and the push/pull dynamic involved in them. I am picking up speed, and really enjoying the long, easeful glides that are the product of working this way. My feet are barely leaving the floor. I am squatting deep in my monkey, feeling my back open up and lengthen the more I release my neck and soften into all my leg joints. I'm breathing fully and freely, letting my arms counterbalance and swing opposite my legs as I cross over.  I'm going fast, weaving in and out of some skaters and passing. I've found that delicious wind again, on my face and deep in my soul.

Then I cut one corner way too sharp and suddenly I am flying through the air in what appears to be a seated position, legs way out straight in front of me and my arms sort of cocked at right angles in front of my torso, still in a pretty good "derby stance" as we have been working on all practice. It's all happening in slow motion, and I am literally laughing at myself and how ridiculous I must look and will inevitably look when I finally hit the ground. I actually had the space and air time in this brief instant to compliment myself for my "good derby stance" arms, look around and see other people passing me, the coaches in the middle of the rink and skaters on the opposite side, the laces on my skates, and think about how Alan will laugh when I describe this to him. I imagine this is how I'd look if I had to use the ejector seat on an airplane, like they always look in the cartoons when they are flying through the air waiting for the parachute to pop open.  Or perhaps I haven't really been in the air for the 15 minutes it seems, maybe thought is just that fast, that I could clearly and very specifically ponder all these things in the space of an instant. Then I'm marveling at how speedy thought is and finally I hit the ground and thud forward about 5 times (not exaggerating) on my butt, accompanied by what can only be described as a burning screech of skin on sticky rink floor. That's where the bike shorts come in  folks. Preferably padded.

As I get up and yell out to the coaches that I am fine, curse my stupidity for not considering that I might need a layer between my bare legs and the floor when I dressed tonight, push off my toe stop and get going I can tell you friends that my tush is burning, I have floor burn on both sides of the backs of my thighs.  For a moment I actually wonder if it is possible to literally tear your fanny apart.  My tailbone is throbbing and the one inch blisters on the insides of both my ankles are bleeding into my socks, throbbing and no doubt filling my skates with blood that will trail along on the floor behind me as I skate my final lap and then probably collapse in a heap from blood loss. (total dramatic exaggeration, but you guys know I live to be a drama queen...)

Then it occurs to me that I really don't mind falling at all. The bruises and floor burn, sure they are inconveniences. But what happens inside me each time I get up is extraordinary.  Those experiences are far more empowering and tell me so much more about myself than skating fast and the enjoyment I take in that. The skating fast is the ride, The falling down, getting back up and pushing off again, that's the real lesson here.  To move around the rink with no fear, no second guesses and no limitations is amazing. But getting up from a fall is amazing-ER..  Sometimes in my safe little existence here I forget just how tough I am, and I am actually grateful to those falls to remind me of who I am. If I skated around that rink or my life for that matter never stumbling I would have a very very boring life. Last night after I got home, sat on a soft surface and drank an ice cold beer I asked myself  "Is it really worth it? I'm 40 years old, not living in the same body I had in my twenties when I was dancing, have the wear and tear of 2 pregnancies and caring for my two small kids on me?? Why am I doing this to myself???"  And the answer came to me:

If I live my whole life having never done this I would be deeply disappointed.

That wind, the song in my heart when I am gliding around as a total, integrated and efficiently working unit is beyond words, like a mediation. It reminds me of one of the boy's bedtime songs, "The Wind" by Cat Stevens......

"I listen to my words but they fall far below. I let my music take me where my heart wants to go.."

Week One Training

Hi, I'm Kate and I am addicted to skating very, very fast.

When the coach said we should aim for skating 25 laps around the track in 5 minutes I almost spit my mouthguard out. What??

I'm whizzing around the track at a pace I would not have thought possible for me. Moving out to the edges on the straight-away and to the inside corners on the turns. Crossing over, leaning into the turns, arms gently swinging and opposing my legs as they cross. To those who study Alexander Technique I am working my monkey like mad, hingeing forward at my hips and bending in all 6 of my leg joints, keeping them available to adapt quickly if need be. The more I soften my jaw and neck and breathe into my back the faster I go, which is against my initial instinct because like I said, this pace is much quicker than I had ever considered possible and in some small part of my thinking I am reminded that I could fall at any moment if someone dodges in front of me, bumps me or if I shift my balance in a way that is not mechanically advantageous to this activity.

Whatever. I put that fear aside, throw it out the window and fully give myself over to this experience.

Bliss. I am free and grinning wildly, laughing in my heart.  I'm weaving in and out of the other skaters, enjoying that breeze on my face and the sound of my breath and skates on the floor. I realize I'm moving very quickly, but it's also like slow motion.  I feel an extraordinary sense of timelessness, like all my decisions to shift or weave or cross over are all happening in slow motion and that I have plenty of room to think. Heaven. Exquisite.

I went 27 laps in 5 minutes!!!!! Is it next Tuesday yet???

Waiting for My First Practice

I have wanted to skate Derby for about 20 years. As long as I have known it existed. The athleticism, teamwork and strategy has always fascinated me. And the names. I have dreamt of and revised my own Derby name for years.

I love skating. I have loved it since my first pair of strap on metal skates, lashed to the bottoms of my red Bruce Jenner sneakers, skating shakily around my driveway with my Fonzie shirt on, in about Kindergarten. The feel of the wind in my face and hair and the balance necessary to cross over and skate backwards or shoot the duck was addictive even then. I would go round and round in circles for hours, dreaming I was Dorothy Hammel.

Then came my first actual pair of skates. Ahhhh. I remember taking them out of the box. The smell. The feel of the white leather, the black heel and look of the brand new toe stop. The argyle laces. The glittery pink laces. Sigh. And then the pride I took in polishing them up, admiring all the scuffs in the leather and worn toe stops. Heaven. I wore them out, then the next few pairs. I spent most of my summers going round my driveway and the street, thinking I was in the ice capades. And the better part of my later gradeschool and early high school going to the rink, just waiting for the speed skate or backwards skate to be called.

When I heard about the Derby league here I was pregnant with my daughter and vowed I would try out after she was born. A few months ago I started going to the rink on Friday or Saturday nights after the kids were asleep. The first time I went, a Saturday at around 9 the lady buzzed me in and was literally shocked when I asked for an admission ticket and skate rental. She thought I was a kid's mom coming to pick them up and expressed her extreme concern over me wanting to skate. She asked me how long it had been and when I said 25 years or so she looked at me like I was a complete lunatic and again encouraged me to rent every piece of protective gear the rink had. I thanked her and took my skates and left.

It's amazing how every roller rink smells exactly the same. That slight moldy smell. But even more amazing to me that I put those skates on, smiled at the panicked lady and I was off, instantly rekindling my love affair with the feeling of moving that way.

The tryouts a couple weeks ago were so much fun. I even fell once, due to my own stupidity in hitting one of my own skates against the other. It was a doozy, I was going pretty fast and went sliding on my stomach and forearms. Even that was a total blast, and because of it I have even less fear of falling as I start to train. I wanted to stand and cackle wildly, jump up and down. It was a reminder that I was fine, I just had to get back up, and keep going, skate even harder than before and find that wind on my face again as I glided around the rink. It's like I imagine flying would feel.

And yesterday I opened my new skate box, and that feeling was there, same as the first pair of skates I ever owned. A new partnership has begun. Their pristine appearance soon to be scuffed and flawed, marking each step and fall on my new adventure.

Training starts tomorrow

Protective gear arrived. Skates got here early. Oona is enamoured of my helmet.