"We're all just a little in love with each other aren't we?"

What is 2.0?

We were all part of the 2nd group of vice quads. That's how we met, (except Mer and me, as she insisted at tryouts we had met before) but during after farm practice visits to Senators the five of us always seemed to shut the place down, and at some point we determined we liked each other enough to hang out outside of a bar and at all times of the day not just at midnight.

Then we met Nick. He seemed to be the dinner party/random road trip/kid birthday party/top secret and stealth (or not so stealth when an unknowing husband catches the mission and causes said bombers to yell run and dart back to the car in a crude serpentine fashion, the dog is barking, bombee is alseep at a time suitable only for smaller children, and misses the cooler packed with ice and ice cream on their front porch until morning, neighbors start to worry and stare,  or the novice bombers drive their vehicle directly up to the bombee's garage while they are opening the door and they don't recognize you or your vehicle, begin having palpatations and consider calling the police)  bombing in dark of night kind of person and we all just clicked. Originally he was 2.0.2 but that just didn't roll off the tongue the same way and was going to cost extra to put on a T-shirt.

When I was in grade school I had a pretty rough time of it. I was painfully shy, timid and one of a very few Catholic school kids, uniformed in green plaid and forced to ride the school bus with all public school kids. I vividly remember climbing on the bus then going from seat to seat, being bounced around as the bus drove and asking if I could sit down, being rejected over and over by those jerks. At one point in winter I snuck a garbage bag out of the house to sit on so I could avoid the embarassment of it and sit on the floor without getting my uniform covered in slush. After that the driver assigned seats which of course made me super popular with the public school kids.

I dreaded going to birthday parties. I was always so nervous about what to do or talk about. I usually ended up sitting somewhere by myself. I distinctly remember my eighth grade teacher finding me alone on the porch at my class' graduation pool party saying something like "Sometimes the loneliest place is in a crowd." I didn't really get what she meant then, but as I grew older it really made sense.

My entire life I've been on a quest for closeness, for real honest heartfelt and lasting companionship. For people who accept and get me. In my 42 years I've met some truly amazing, lasting friends but mostly I've felt like an nerdy outsider, uncomfortable, self-conscious and struggling to fit in.

2.0 is for me, that tribe I've been longing for. Perhaps it's the mutual love of derby that solidifies all of us drastically unique individuals. Maybe it's the shared experience, the shared sweat and tears that bond us, the working together towards a unified goal. The fact that our individual improvement betters the group as a whole and that we care for and support each other totally, nonjudgementally. The fact that we are willing to drive to each other's homes just because and bomb them unexpectedly with balloons, delicious food or care packages. Or work in cahoots with your husband and leave tupperware full of the best banana and nilla wafer pudding you will ever eat in your car while you are at work. Whatever timing that happened for us all to arrive at the same tryout and begin our derby experience together is truly a little bit of magic. 

My derby experiences intertwine with my life experiences. And these extraordinary individuals have become and will continue to be part of me.  

Killy asked me to write an end of the season recap, perhaps explaining the idea of 2.0.  In a facebook chat I figured I'd ask all the others for their input. And I guess we really are just a little bit in love with each other.....

The brilliant Mz. Killy Loveless:

I can't remember where the original quote came from (the Mayor of TCDG maybe?), but I believe it was: "We're all just a little bit in love with each other, aren't we?"

Being a 2.0 means I know who I'm growing old with. These are the people my kids are going to have to explain are not really their aunt/uncle, they just call them aunt/uncle. It also means I will drop stuff on your front porch or car window when you are having a bad day. Or go get pancakes with you to make things better when nothing else can. I will always have 2.0 backs (unless it's bout day and you are in red - sorry wifey and buster). 

My mom still talks to people she went to high school and college with - her 'forever friends.' I'm only 30, and I don't really feel like I had a ton of people in my life that I've known forever and will know for a lifetime. And how do you get that in adulthood? I just figured I wasn't going to have those type of lifelong relationships like she has had. And then I met you guys and it's like, yep, I'll know this group til the end. Every single one of them. And I will love them through everything.

The powerful and all knowing Mayor, O GWrath:

In what world would we have ever become friends with each other? Until try-outs I had never met any of you, though odds are in such a small town I probably walked past you in a grocery store or flicked you off in traffic at some point. If we hadn't been brought together by derby we would have had no good reason to become acquainted, so clearly part of what it means to be a 2.0 is derby, our love for it, our occasional hate for it, gear swaps, cheering for each other regardless of team, convincing each other we aren't terrible, encouraging each other to keep going when our bodies tell us no, a knowing glance when one of us steps off for a second to catch our breath or stretch a sore muscle that says "hey dude, that sucks, take a minute then get your ass back out here."

That said, 2.0 goes beyond derby. It's about phone calls and text messages in the middle of the day, or the middle of the night. It's hospital visits. Care packages. Dinner parties...oooh yes, the dinner parties. Road trips. Birthday parties. Kids. Pets. All of that good stuff. It's about love. And yes, we are all kind of a little bit in love with each other and all of our differences.

The lovely and gypsy juice brewing ninny N Tara Gator:

When I think of being a 2.0, the first thing that comes to mind is a stable group of amazing friends. Although we all come from different walks of life, we share the same passions which have made us such a tightly knit group. I feel tightly bonded with this group as I know I can rely on them and never doubt their loyalty or trust. 

I believe that it's not too often in adulthood where this type of kinship
is found. What a rare vein it is, at this point in life, to meet with these wonderful people and laugh like we were kids, while sharing both triumphs and defeats. I feel this group knows,  and respects my heart.
The thought of our friendship is  like a warm hug.  Since being connected with the 2.0's I find them crossing my mind rather frequently.  I am softly reminded of how grateful I am that our paths have crossed and we have maintained such an amazing camaraderie.   Life would certainly be different otherwise, lacking in color, light, and love.

And our newest recruit, Buster:

Being the newest member to the 2.0s it is hard to put into words all that encompass the meaning of the 2.0.  For me, I first go to computer and software, since I'm a total geek, and think about what version 2.0 means.  Now, version 1.0 of any software is always exciting, it is a new and great idea that is pushed through programming with a lot of effort and late nights.  Once version 1.0 is released, people are usually intrigued by the idea, start to use the program, and then come up with millions of ways that it could be better which is where version 2.0 comes in.  So, in relation to our league, the 1.0s are the ones that pushed from the start, who had the great idea, who paved the way for there to even be a 2.0.  Without the 1.0s creating the space and the structure, there never could have been the 2.0s.

But, that is the technical and non-emotional side of what being a 2.0 means.  For me, I think back to my friendships in high school and college and those were certainly version 1.0 relationships, people who were friends for a time in my life but not necessarily someone who I keep in touch with anymore.  Now, I've moved onto the 2.0 version of friendship which means so much more: surprises left just to pick someone's day up, knowing that no matter the time I can always reach out to another 2.0 and they will be there for me, wonderful and encouraging words/texts/conversations that build up who we are when we are at our lowest, highest, or anywhere in between, realizing that this is not a friendship just for the here and now but until that last spark leaves me, lots of cuddles and shows of true affection that just feel like home, and, of course, sharing our laughs, tears, and delicious foodstuffs.  

The feeling that I get when I think about being a 2.0 reminds me of being a child on Christmas Eve, trying to force myself asleep because I was so excited for the next day, finally passing out around 3am, then awakening full of energy by 6am and getting everything I had asked for and more.

The amazing Dame Sangre, giver of whips and partner in skillfully choreographed tandem mohawks:

A 2.0 is that unexpected lift you never expect but is always there. When others fail you or you fail yourself they rise to the occasion. It's not like we sit around and pick each others brains and delve into our pasts, there's no need. We inherently know without knowing. We came into this as perfect strangers and no matter what happens in between we will leave as friends. We will know each other forever. We won't always be in close proximity, it'll happen sooner than we want or want to accept ...but in the end we'll still have this love, this camaraderie. We are from all different walks of life, all ages and points in life but it works. We just get each other and we accept each other just as the wonderful and genuine people we are. We listen, we care, we offer advice where we can but we don't ever dare try to change one another. We are a family in the truest sense. At least what I believe a family should be.

Something New

May 27, 2013

One thing I love most about derby is its ability to help me develop, show me something new about myself.

This past Saturday that something new was monumental. Seriously life altering for me. On that day I hurdled a road block to both my personal and derby growth.

This past Saturday at scrimmage was the first time in my derby career that without a shred of hesitation I willingly and with a huge smile repeatedly took the jammer panty and slammed it on my helmet. Truth is I wanted to have it more, but because I'm just starting to learn how to jam I was shy about asking for it when there were so many skilled jammers on my team.

A few times I got through and got lead jammer. Other times I got through the pack and wasn't lead but holy freaking shit I made it through and that in itself is a huge success to me. I even scored points. Wow.

All of this is good news and a huge amount of growth for me but what interests me even more is my reaction the time I got stuck in the pack with 4 incredibly strong blockers holding me there, knocking me around, out of bounds and to my knees like a pinball. I was exhausted, my heart pounding in my chest and starting to feel wobbly. What's new about my experience is that this time I attempted jamming I was determined to get through. To my surprise I laughed a couple times when I got smacked with a huge hit. I let out a big grunt and then I actually laughed. I might have even said something out loud like "Holy shit that was really hard."  But I never gave up. At one point I looked at the ref who was following me and gasped "I just can't do this anymore..." But then I internally shook myself by the arms, said snap out of it, popped onto my toe stops from the floor and charged back in for more abuse from those 4 powerful ladies.

In those two minutes I found some space to ponder whether this would be what it's like under the waters of the ocean if I was able to surf and was riding some big waves and got knocked off my board. Yep, in between getting can opened, hip checked, falling down and feeling like my chest would explode I had the space to wonder about that. I was so enjoying every moment, talking to myself and apparently out loud as well because later one of the opposing blockers commented on how much I was cracking her up with my commentary and string of expletives. At one point I may have said out loud "Well damn what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation??" Several times while hearing myself grunt with another shoulder in my ribs or having to run back and re-enter behind whoever knocked me out of bounds I'm certain I exclaimed "Well fuck a duck in the ass."

What's best for me about all this is that as I was at the gym today I found myself going over the whole scrimmage, seeing things I should have tried differently. I wasn't yelling at myself or discouraged. I was ready to get back out there, get my chance with the star panty and try again.

One of the most challenging things I've encountered when jamming was when I wasn't lead jammer and the opposing jammer was sent to the box for a minute. It turned into what's referred to as a power jam and I was left to fight through the pack repeatedly then skate a very fast, sprinty lap around the track, reenter the pack and attempt to fight through again to score points. If you're lead jammer you have the ability to call off the jam at any time. Not being lead I was stuck skating the full minute she was in the box, against very strong defense from the opposing blockers and down one blocker from my team. It was seriously one of the longer minutes of my life. I think I may have had 3 scoring laps in that power jam and it felt like I was about to hyperventilate or puke.

But after that minute was up I took a jam off in my team's corner to focus on slowing my breath and releasing any leftover tension and then I happily took the panty when it was handed to me, ready to dive into the ocean and go all over again.

July 1, 2013

To improve on this I have been going to the gym on non derby days that I don't work at the restaurant (about 3 days a week) to use weights and also doing the elliptical trainer with no hands and varying my stride to work on balance and also in derby stance with all my leg joints bent for about half an hour on a high level that challenges my breath. What I've discovered is that after a minute or so I level my breathing out, slow it down and it becomes much more easeful. I also remembered that when I was in that power jam situation in scrimmage I was definitely panicking a bit after being knocked around and out so much.

I've been working on this for the past month. Considering my breath and the pace of my inhales and exhales as I do heavy endurance practices or get thrown around by the pack or skate off the track after an especially active jam. I've also been challenging myself to get down and do sit-ups or pushups when we have a break from hot laps (seeing how many laps you can skate in a set period of time), just to keep my heart rate up and notice what I'm doing with my breath.

What I've ultimately discovered is that for me it really is all about my breath and the tremendous effect it has on my skating and ability to function efficiently and calmly. Potentially I have a lot of control over it, and if I'm not conscious of it it can get very short which results in feelings of panic, muscular fatigue and very unclear thinking. Not allowing my full breath also results in lower back tension for me. Once I slow it down and allow it to enter and exit my lungs more slowly and three dimensionally, in a more controlled manner the rest of my body, my lower back, legs, and my reactions follow along.

Flash forward about a month after the first time I ever put the jammer panty on willingly and without internal turmoil in my two seasons of derby. It's about 2 weeks to our Championship bout and the coach asks me if I want to be a pinch jammer, to fill in when the much more experienced jammers are in need of a break. I find myself answering calmly, without hesitation and lacking my habitual fear of the position "Yes. Absolutely. If you and the captains think I'm ready."

My history of accepting the jammer panty is a huge source of disappointment to me. The one thing within this whole experience that has really been awful and made me seriously and repeatedly  consider quitting is the turmoil and paralyzing fear that came up for me each time I was offered the panty. Talk about shortened breath. The fear of failing and not getting through the pack was unbearable, paralyzing. I'd leave practice defeated and angry with myself for being such a coward. I avoided it at all costs. And in doing so I limited myself, my ability to improve,  to learn something new.

So dear readers, I am proud to report that on June 30, 2013 in the Championship bout I did something entirely new. I leapt into the ocean, put the jammer panty on, felt my heart and breathing race as I took the line and gasped "Oh holy shit what is happening??" Then I slowed my breathing down and skated once as a jammer. I got through the pack. And I lived. And more importantly I loved it as intensely as I do the rest of derby.

This was a goal I had silently set for myself this season. To confront and smite my fear of and refusal to attempt jamming. To stop limiting myself. l had committed to studying, understanding and embracing all the ballsy, powerful, fearless, loud and bull headed qualities of the wee viking that make me nuts and channel them into my derby practice. I plastered a shiny viking helmet onto my helmet, as a tribute to both Maude Lebowski and Oona. What I never actually realized is that wee viking is a strikingly accurate mini version of me. So many of the things about her that can be bang- your-head-against-the-wall-and-watch- your-hair-turn-greyer-and-fall-out- devastatingly-frustrating-but-also- simultaneously-heartwarming-and- fabulously-funny (depending on what mindset I'm receiving her in) are shockingly similar to me.

I have spent so much time attempting to channel her and her boldness in my efforts this season to improve my derby game. In the end, and no matter how difficult it is for me to believe I have found these desirable and also maddening qualities have been present in me all along. With that discovery begins my journey to own them. Is it the new season yet??