Something New

May 27, 2013

One thing I love most about derby is its ability to help me develop, show me something new about myself.

This past Saturday that something new was monumental. Seriously life altering for me. On that day I hurdled a road block to both my personal and derby growth.

This past Saturday at scrimmage was the first time in my derby career that without a shred of hesitation I willingly and with a huge smile repeatedly took the jammer panty and slammed it on my helmet. Truth is I wanted to have it more, but because I'm just starting to learn how to jam I was shy about asking for it when there were so many skilled jammers on my team.

A few times I got through and got lead jammer. Other times I got through the pack and wasn't lead but holy freaking shit I made it through and that in itself is a huge success to me. I even scored points. Wow.

All of this is good news and a huge amount of growth for me but what interests me even more is my reaction the time I got stuck in the pack with 4 incredibly strong blockers holding me there, knocking me around, out of bounds and to my knees like a pinball. I was exhausted, my heart pounding in my chest and starting to feel wobbly. What's new about my experience is that this time I attempted jamming I was determined to get through. To my surprise I laughed a couple times when I got smacked with a huge hit. I let out a big grunt and then I actually laughed. I might have even said something out loud like "Holy shit that was really hard."  But I never gave up. At one point I looked at the ref who was following me and gasped "I just can't do this anymore..." But then I internally shook myself by the arms, said snap out of it, popped onto my toe stops from the floor and charged back in for more abuse from those 4 powerful ladies.

In those two minutes I found some space to ponder whether this would be what it's like under the waters of the ocean if I was able to surf and was riding some big waves and got knocked off my board. Yep, in between getting can opened, hip checked, falling down and feeling like my chest would explode I had the space to wonder about that. I was so enjoying every moment, talking to myself and apparently out loud as well because later one of the opposing blockers commented on how much I was cracking her up with my commentary and string of expletives. At one point I may have said out loud "Well damn what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation??" Several times while hearing myself grunt with another shoulder in my ribs or having to run back and re-enter behind whoever knocked me out of bounds I'm certain I exclaimed "Well fuck a duck in the ass."

What's best for me about all this is that as I was at the gym today I found myself going over the whole scrimmage, seeing things I should have tried differently. I wasn't yelling at myself or discouraged. I was ready to get back out there, get my chance with the star panty and try again.

One of the most challenging things I've encountered when jamming was when I wasn't lead jammer and the opposing jammer was sent to the box for a minute. It turned into what's referred to as a power jam and I was left to fight through the pack repeatedly then skate a very fast, sprinty lap around the track, reenter the pack and attempt to fight through again to score points. If you're lead jammer you have the ability to call off the jam at any time. Not being lead I was stuck skating the full minute she was in the box, against very strong defense from the opposing blockers and down one blocker from my team. It was seriously one of the longer minutes of my life. I think I may have had 3 scoring laps in that power jam and it felt like I was about to hyperventilate or puke.

But after that minute was up I took a jam off in my team's corner to focus on slowing my breath and releasing any leftover tension and then I happily took the panty when it was handed to me, ready to dive into the ocean and go all over again.

July 1, 2013

To improve on this I have been going to the gym on non derby days that I don't work at the restaurant (about 3 days a week) to use weights and also doing the elliptical trainer with no hands and varying my stride to work on balance and also in derby stance with all my leg joints bent for about half an hour on a high level that challenges my breath. What I've discovered is that after a minute or so I level my breathing out, slow it down and it becomes much more easeful. I also remembered that when I was in that power jam situation in scrimmage I was definitely panicking a bit after being knocked around and out so much.

I've been working on this for the past month. Considering my breath and the pace of my inhales and exhales as I do heavy endurance practices or get thrown around by the pack or skate off the track after an especially active jam. I've also been challenging myself to get down and do sit-ups or pushups when we have a break from hot laps (seeing how many laps you can skate in a set period of time), just to keep my heart rate up and notice what I'm doing with my breath.

What I've ultimately discovered is that for me it really is all about my breath and the tremendous effect it has on my skating and ability to function efficiently and calmly. Potentially I have a lot of control over it, and if I'm not conscious of it it can get very short which results in feelings of panic, muscular fatigue and very unclear thinking. Not allowing my full breath also results in lower back tension for me. Once I slow it down and allow it to enter and exit my lungs more slowly and three dimensionally, in a more controlled manner the rest of my body, my lower back, legs, and my reactions follow along.

Flash forward about a month after the first time I ever put the jammer panty on willingly and without internal turmoil in my two seasons of derby. It's about 2 weeks to our Championship bout and the coach asks me if I want to be a pinch jammer, to fill in when the much more experienced jammers are in need of a break. I find myself answering calmly, without hesitation and lacking my habitual fear of the position "Yes. Absolutely. If you and the captains think I'm ready."

My history of accepting the jammer panty is a huge source of disappointment to me. The one thing within this whole experience that has really been awful and made me seriously and repeatedly  consider quitting is the turmoil and paralyzing fear that came up for me each time I was offered the panty. Talk about shortened breath. The fear of failing and not getting through the pack was unbearable, paralyzing. I'd leave practice defeated and angry with myself for being such a coward. I avoided it at all costs. And in doing so I limited myself, my ability to improve,  to learn something new.

So dear readers, I am proud to report that on June 30, 2013 in the Championship bout I did something entirely new. I leapt into the ocean, put the jammer panty on, felt my heart and breathing race as I took the line and gasped "Oh holy shit what is happening??" Then I slowed my breathing down and skated once as a jammer. I got through the pack. And I lived. And more importantly I loved it as intensely as I do the rest of derby.

This was a goal I had silently set for myself this season. To confront and smite my fear of and refusal to attempt jamming. To stop limiting myself. l had committed to studying, understanding and embracing all the ballsy, powerful, fearless, loud and bull headed qualities of the wee viking that make me nuts and channel them into my derby practice. I plastered a shiny viking helmet onto my helmet, as a tribute to both Maude Lebowski and Oona. What I never actually realized is that wee viking is a strikingly accurate mini version of me. So many of the things about her that can be bang- your-head-against-the-wall-and-watch- your-hair-turn-greyer-and-fall-out- devastatingly-frustrating-but-also- simultaneously-heartwarming-and- fabulously-funny (depending on what mindset I'm receiving her in) are shockingly similar to me.

I have spent so much time attempting to channel her and her boldness in my efforts this season to improve my derby game. In the end, and no matter how difficult it is for me to believe I have found these desirable and also maddening qualities have been present in me all along. With that discovery begins my journey to own them. Is it the new season yet??