Week 7 Training/Sunday

This is very similar to something I did at practice today, and I am super disappointed that no one was filming me.....

Seriously, in my wildest dreams not even remotely. And you, dear reader are surprisingly more gullible than me if you even considered that for a moment. But it does inspire me to begin compiling my super hero wish list:
1. The ability to skate like this guy. And do parkour.
2. When we were watching "Heroes" on TV there was this girl who had the coolest ability I could ever imagine, and as far as super powers go, it seems to me like the only one you would really ever need . She could either just observe a person for moments or watch a video of someone doing ANYTHING and then be able to do whatever she just watched. How awesome is that?? And I guess if I was fortunate enough to acquire this super power we could just go ahead and cancel wish number one.

So today we worked a lot on skating in a pack, plow stopping, booty blocking and hip/body checking. And to be completely honest, I felt like a totally uncoordinated idiot. This was a really challenging day for me. I was sliding all over in my plow stops in the pack, seriously concerned I was going to smack into someone. And then I realized I had all my weight on my big toes and things started to look up when I began putting a bit of weight on my heels too. For those of you who don't skate, a plow stop is when you get your feet out very wide, then turn your toes in and bring them towards each other, deeply bend all your leg joints, stick your butt way out and either bring yourself to a stop or just decrease your speed. It is the absolute safest way to stop in derby, and can also be a really effective way to block/slow down/impede the opposing jammer from passing you and scoring a point. Kind of a tough skill on its own, it becomes even more challenging when you are skating closely in a pack and everyone is plow stopping with their legs out wide. The chances of knocking wheels or tripping over someone's leg are really increased.

I was managing pretty well with the warm up to hip/body checking on my knees side by side with my partner. But today when we got up and worked on this skill while skating I was a total mess. I feel like I'm a fairly decent skater, but it was as if my consciousness had just arrived in my body and had never read the instruction manual. I kept knocking into her wheels and stumbling, or just falling all over myself most times I attempted to get close and hip check her. I did notice that the few solid ones I got in were only when I wasn't completely over thinking the movement or just freezing with that fear in the back of my head that I could potentially stumble yet again. If you haven't figured it out yet, I am a habitual MASSIVE over thinker. There are times that I can work with this personality trait and it serves me spectacularly, and instances like this that it just destroys me. It presents itself on full volume in moments when I really want to understand something, and this was one of those moments. Several times when I actually managed to get the mechanics right and make good contact these damn elbows were knocking into everyone, such a remnant of NY subway riding. That would be a penalty and I would end up in the box. It was really a pretty comical scene, me skating up to people, checking them and then apologizing profusely for throwing yet another elbow. For me this is the most challenging skill we have worked on yet, and the mechanics of it fascinate me when I am inhibiting my initial frustration. I can't wait to get it, and I am so excited for Tuesday because I really want to practice again.  My poor, sainted husband is either running away from me or throwing himself to the floor playing possum because I keep sneaking up on/begging him to let me hip check him.

Since I seem to be on an "aquiring super powers" kick it only seems right to mention that this week Oona woke up from a nap and began walking unassisted from room to room, squawking and chattering as she went. She had never done that before. The squawking and chattering yes, and at high decibel levels. I still maintain she is quite possibly the loudest baby on the planet, but she had not been fully mobile prior to that nap. She woke, I got her out of her crib, she was twisting in my arms insisting to be put down and when her butt hit the floor she brought herself up to a stand and then off she went, exploring all the rooms of the house from her new perspective. It was if she had been walking for weeks. Holy power nap Batman. Here's hoping that one day soon I will wake up and be able to give consistent hip/body checks with no accidental elbows.

Week 6 Training

It's about 8:45 PM, and I am in a room full of women, kneeling and partnered up side by side, slamming into each other with our full side, using our legs to generate as much force as possible. The majority of us are all laughing like hyenas. Or wait, maybe that's just me and my partner, knocking each other over, cracking up when we stumble or accidentally elbow each other, asking if the other is ok, and then repeating. MANY MANY times.

I don't know what you guys did last night, but I had a blast. What a wonderful way to end my day filled with unexplainable, atomic 2 year old tantrums.

From an Alexander Technique perspective, (which any of you that know me realize it is absolutely impossible for me to look through any other eyes) it was genius of the coach to make us start the exercise on our knees before standing or skating and attempting the mechanics of it. It's tricky once you are rolling forward at a decent speed to then generate enough force to the side, impact another body, ideally make them stumble or fall but not stumble/fall yourself. Tricky, but offering just enough challenge to further fuel my addiction to this sport. Poor Alan, not only does he solo put the kids to bed when I practice, but I have been begging him all day today to let me practice checking. As an aside, our coach is amazing, and hugely inspires me, as an individual and a skater. She led her old team to 4 consecutive championships and is one of the most positive people I've met. She also mentioned bringing in a belly dance instructor for her old team to assist with learning the movements needed to perfect their booty blocking skills. Awesome.

Seriously, I can't decide what I enjoy more: slamming into someone, generating my force from the ground and speed I am skating at or being slammed into and getting to utilize every Alexander Technique opposition I have to lean into them and counter. Crazy, crazy amounts of fun. I do have to watch those elbows though...years of subway riding in NY have made me an elbow thrower and that could wind me up in the penalty box if I actually make the team. Did I mention the WFTDA test is on November 15th? Mark your calendars and keep your fingers crossed for me!

In the ongoing saga of Maraud Lebowksi and her aversion to jumping, I can tell you that I am actually making progress. Not in the sense that I would ever ask any of you to lie down and allow me to jump over you, but I'm slowly getting there. For me mechanically it really makes sense to have a good speed going, maintain my derby stance (or monkey for my Alexander friends), release a bit deeper into my leg joints, use a teeny bit of arms and just pick my knees up to my stomach, ankles maintaining flexion, feet flat underneath me. Although every fiber of my being repeatedly tells me not to do this, it's much easier if I can inhibit that instinct and just go for it, eliminate the doubts I have. If you ever attempt this, never look down. Eyes forward, looking where you are going, which is the best place for your focus just in straight skating as well.

And eyes forward, directly towards my beer and perhaps a warm epsom bath is where I am headed tonight my friends. Till Sunday!

Week 6 Training/Sunday

I sure love the whooshing sound of wheels on the floor in an otherwise silent rink...I was the first one there today and got to skate all by myself for 10 minutes. Exquisite. The effect is even better when the rest of the team arrives and no one is speaking, just that smooth, collective whoosh....
Oh man where do I start? We had a bonus practice this morning. And it was an awesome one, chock full of drills that had me cackling with glee, sweating like a freak and wishing for more.
The first drill we did was entirely too much fun. We had to skate in a paceline, which requires skaters to keep the same pace and maintain about 2 or 3 feet in between us as we skate one behind another. The person at the front then had to break away and sprint a full lap around the track. When you caught up to the back of the line you had to then weave in and out of the skaters (distanced about 2 ft apart) maintaining the line. Once you wound yourself up to the front then you had to sprint around a lap again, until you came to the end of the line. Then sadly you had to slow down and let the person at the front take off and repeat the drill.
I was pouting about not getting to do this particular drill about 22 more times when the coach announced we would now learn to do arm whips. Before outlining the drill for you let me just tell you that all pouting ceased, and throughout the course of the following drill I was laughing out loud wildly and somewhat like a lunatic, perhaps frightening my partner slightly. There is a shirt one of my derby sisters told me she saw being sold at a bout that said "I like to be whipped." I must find and own that shirt.
But, as is par for the course in my everyday conversation and writing, I digress. So the drill was awesome. We were working with a partner. They skated up behind you, and called out "outside" or "inside." The person in front then turned toward that side and held out their hand, arm extended. The back skater then grabs the extended hand as if to shake hands and the forearm of the person in front. Then simultaneously the front person whips their whole arm forward and the back person pulls themself through. The effect is marvelous. The whipee goes flying, and it is best to get control by taking a few quick steps as you get thrown. Now the drill continues with the skater who was acting as whipper having to skate like hell to catch up to the person you just flung, yell out inside or outside and then get whipped. Let me tell you, if you are like Maverick in Top Gun and share his "need for speed" this drill will be your nirvana. I was whipping that poor chick with everything I had and then a little more, just so I could sprint around and catch her. This was probably the fastest I have ever skated, and I'm not certain, but I believe I may have ruptured the space-time continuum.....
Because I am an enormous Alexander Technique nerd (and just a big dork in general) the mechanics of this particular drill are super fun for me to dissect. Ideally the whipper wants to have a fair amount of speed going. Then the whippee (and that's what I yelled mostly to myself but sometimes out loud when in that role) grabs on and with the action of the whip is catapulted forward not only with their existing speed but the speed of the person whipping them. The whipper loses momentum and falls back slightly because the whippee has taken it all. If you are not actively working a deep derby stance (or monkey in Alexander Speak) you will very possibly fall as you take or give the whip. And those quick little cross over steps after being whipped are so useful to regain any balance lost. Whippeeee!!!!
After the whipping drill we practiced jumping. And I actually did it. No joke, this 40 year old out-of-shape mom picked her knees up like I was on the moguls (or how I imagine that would be as I have never skiied) while squatting in my stance and made it over repeatedly. Rejoice!!
Next we worked on what is called "booty blocking." This is pretty much self-explanatory. You get low and very wide in your stance, lunge or step side to side and use your tookus to impede anyone from passing you. It is mainly a positional block, just getting in the way so the jammer can't pass you.
Last we skated our 25 laps in 5 minutes. I made it with about 20 seconds to spare!!!
I have been thinking a lot about balance lately, in both my pedestrian and derby lives. How attached we are to it, desperate not to lose it. One of the things I really enjoy about this sport is that so much of it is about losing balance, and quickly righting yourself. Letting yourself sort of ride the loss of balance, and then quickly recover and keep moving forward. The boy is a tantrum maniac these past few weeks. It's exhausting. He just freaks out for minutes at a time for reasons I can't explain. His eyes get all wacky and unfocused and I'm considering yellow-paging an exorcist or nipping into the wine and then he's done and moving on with his day. That seems pretty in line with the skills I am honing in my derby training. You just can't be afraid of falling, be it in derby or in life. It is inevitable and in my opinion a good portion of the ride. Maybe I really am completely nuts or just blinded by my love of this sport but I'm not concerned about it. I was thinking back to several summers ago when I fell off a curb in Brooklyn and badly sprained my ankle. The Xray guy told me I would have been better off just breaking it the sprain was so severe. One month later I was practically healed, fell off another curb and sprained the other ankle even worse. At least if I fall with this activity I will have a fairly interesting excuse.
And now, this mortal form needs coffee.

Week 5 Training

If I was actually a superhero I believe my many powers would include some sort of extended adrenaline rush. Practices end at 10 or 10:30 pm and I have a terrible time falling asleep after. If any of you are ever suffering insomnia or just up late and lonely/bored on a Tuesday night feel free to give me a call. I'd be happy to babble at you about all the awesome things we did at practice, till you either fell asleep or begged me to shut up.  I am also never sore until 2 days after practice. This morning I attempted to convince myself and Alan that this had something to do with my extended adrenaline rush superpower and he had a great time laughing at me. I still believe it is a distinct possibility....

This week I got a taste (on a much smaller level) of what the training would be like for one of those "Strongest Man Alive" competitions. And I liked it. Nope, I freaking LOVED it. So much fun and the most alive and present I have felt all week. Probably one of the most physically challenging things I've ever done, but wow I was disappointed the whistle blew before I got to do it a fourth time. 

The drill was skating with a line of 5 of your derby sisters behind you, each of us grabbing the hips of the person in front of you, maintaining a deep, squatted derby stance. The person at the front of the line was the only one who was skating. Everyone else was just maintaining their deep squat. We also had to push the line of 5 girls from behind. When you were in front or pushing from behind you really had to dig deep into your oppositions and find your connection to the ground as you attempted to pick up momentum and drag/push your team. My teammates tell me we were really whizzing when I was pulling. It was hard for me to have any sense of speed though. It's fascinating to me, with that much weight behind you it seemed like we were underwater, or that I was just moving in place.

If anything seems challenging to me this week I will reflect on this experience. Somedays with the two kiddos I feel so exhausted, overwhelmed, like I have no idea what the heck I am doing and am just barely staying afloat. Ten minute spans are action packed, often a completely wacko balancing act reminding me of the "boat, sack of grain, chicken and fox" mind puzzle.

My kids are unstoppable. I want to be more like them. They fall, they are screeching, crying and bruised. My attempts to pick them up and offer comfort are rejected with twisting, squirming insistence on getting back to what they were doing. The minute I relinquish my need to comfort them they are back on their feet, fearless and off and running. This runs through my thinking each time I falter attempting the stupid jump on the obstacle course that is this superhero's kryptonite. This momming/roller derby diva dual existence is a really terrific blend. I can learn a lot from them.

I am reminded this week that the feats we are capable of are astonishing. I think about what things were like a year ago for me. I was a few weeks away from having Oona, very very pregnant, 30 lbs heavier, extremely uncomfortable and waddling like an enormous penguin. A year later I am skating 25 laps in 5 minutes, sliding on my knees like a rockstar, running on my skates and pulling 5 girls behind me. And just today, I changed 4 solid filled diapers in about 10 minutes, the two kids alternating like some sort of defecation relay.

Until next week, dear readers!!

Week 4 Training (Part Two)

I have decided that for my next birthday I want to do all the drills we did last night over and over until I cannot skate any longer or they kick us out of the rink. And then I want to have several margaritas. That would pretty much be the perfect day.   I arrived at this while soaking in a hot epsom bath drinking cold beer and nursing my strained quad muscles after practice last night. Alas, I am an old woman, and no longer have the body of my twenties. And I have done far too many knee and baseball slides this evening. But I just can't stop, I am horribly, horribly, deeply addicted.
In order to pass the test quickly approaching on November 15th we have to be proficient in several skills. Not only do we need pass a written test and be able to skate 25 laps in 5 minutes, there are several other derby skills we need to prove. Last night was a full one, and admittedly, I am a borderline lunatic but the fun never stopped for me.
The first drill was set up to work on our ability to cut quickly across the track. (3 cuts on the straightaway, 2 on the curves) The ideal method (and an excellent prep for giving body checks to block and for recovering from getting hit) is to practice skating at a decent pace and then pick up your feet and sort of run back and forth, interspersed with some gliding/slalom type moves too. Sound nuts? I've never had so much fun. And it is counter-intuitive, but it gets much much easier the more speed you pick up.
The second drill we worked with a partner. We had to skate around the rink, taking turns leaning with our full side against them, attempting to skate them out of bounds. This is a way of blocking opponents in the pack, allowing your jammer to pass through and score a point by passing them. Total blast. The more you lean with all of you, contacting the floor and pushing from it as you skate the quicker and more easefully that partner goes out.
Next was a drill involving pretty much the only thing so far I don't like about derby. Skating next to your partner, attempting to lock/knock skates and set them off balance. This happens a lot when skating in a close pack so although I hate this drill like poison, it is extremely useful to practice in a safe environment where you are actually allowed to grab your partner to right yourselves.
The next drill was my all-time favorite. Skating with your partner, you set up behind them, both of you in deep, squatted derby stance, grab their hips and pull yourself closer, then give them a push and send them flying ahead of you. Then you need to skate like hell, pass them, and set up in front so they can do it to you. I was flinging that poor girl as hard as I could, loving the race to catch up and pass her.
The last one we did was similar, but practicing what is called a hip whip, and is very useful in bettering your position in the pack, catapulting yourself forward utilizing the momentum the front partner has going. You set up behind your partner, again in that deep squat, take their hips and then push them as hard as you can behind you, simultaneously pulling yourself foward and around one side of them. They sacrifice their momentum, but you go flying. Wooo hoooo!
I love that this sport is such a strange juxtaposition of all the activities I have practiced in my past lives. It makes sense to me on a very deep physical level. There is so much of my dancing in there. And karate. And unbelieveable amounts of Alexander Technique. And my lifelong love affair with skating. I know I say it each week I write to you all, but I am in heaven. I can't encourage all of you enough that if you have dreams of things you want to try just once, you MUST follow them.  Injured tailbone and now strained quad aside, I am a better version of myself since I started this. I love myself more, I enjoy and appreciate the rest of my life more fully.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my hot water bottle.
Oh, and ps.....please do me a favor. If you read my blog can you please add yourselves to my "followers"? I just like to know who's coming along with me on this wacky adventure.

Week 4 Training

It's Derby Day!!

I wake. My eyes open slowly to a deliciously silent room, the welcome sound of Alan grinding the coffee beans. There is dappled sunlight coming in my window, a cool fall breeze gently moving the curtains.There's this soft hum in my ear. I strain to hear it.  What is that? Is is coming from outside? Is it the fridge? The baby monitor? Then the boy comes padding in, with his book and stuffed dog that he brings every morning, wanting me to read to them as we snuggle in bed. Whatever the sound was, it's gone for now, reduced to a tiny muffle as I begin my day.

After taking Alan to work the kiddos and I stop at the park. Surprisingly, there is a rare moment of actual, peaceful, genuine silence in the car as we drive. No one is asking me to spell things, explain what red/green lights or the "ing" on the end of "park" on a sign means. The girl has found solace in one of her books.  There it is again, that hum from the morning, but only a teeny bit louder, teasing at my eardrums, just barely audible. I'm puzzling over this when the silence is broken by windows shattering (exaggeration) and screechingly loud (NO exaggeration) monkey/banshee/dolphin calls from the girl and simultaneous questioning from Aldo, "What is Oona saaaayyyyinggg???"

Now it's lunch time, and there it is again, that buzz in the furthest depths of my hearing, only now it's less polite, co-existing with the kids as they have some sort of non-verbal conversation with each other, banging their heads back on their high chairs laughing like hyenas as they eat.  Them and this hum in my ear, along with the sound of the garbage truck and the incessantly barking, extremely annoying mutt mini pinscher across the street who I would like to feed a laced milkbone to is creating a lovely cacophony as the soundtrack for my day. But still, that hum is just not clear enough for me to make out.

As I drive to the rink there it is again, this time more rhythmic and louder than ever, nagging at my ears, insistent. I'm pulling on my awesome striped knee socks, lacing my skates, adjusting my toe savers and double checking the pads I slipped in to protect against blisters. Finally I am strapping on my elbow, knee and wrist guards. Mouth guard in tasting freshly of the mouthwash I just rinsed it in. Helmet on. I make my way to the track, push off in a run on my giant toe stops and there it is, only this time, full volume, no politeness or stepping back to allow my day of momming to take the forefront. It's crystal clear now, in sharp focus and on high volume, the music pulsating through my veins, reverberating in my ears. I'm experiencing it on a cellular level, and grinning with every piece of my being:

Week Three Training/day two

Well, my gut instinct was correct. I am supposed to be doing this. I am truly irritated that I allowed myself to be deprived of this amount of fun for 2 decades. Mark my words, 20 years from now if I am still alive and kicking I am going to be coaching other women to do this when I am 60, wearing my brightly colored Converse Chuck Taylors.

We skated in a pack for the first time last night. Extraordinary. The 10 or so of us are basically strangers, not really having the time in 2 practices to get to know each other yet. I came away from my first pack experience feeling a much deeper sense of each of these amazing ladies, their energies, balance, and personalities. Each of them came into much sharper focus as individuals for me, as a result of working together like some kind of amoeba-like mass. Wow, what a blast.

Here's a very brief overview of the rules of the game. There are two teams, each consisting of 4 blockers (one of these is designated as the "pivot" and is sort of the head blocker, also the only player able take the jammer's place if need be and a successful pass of the star helmet cover is made.) The 5th member of the team is called the jammer, and they wear a star helmet cover. They need to skate crazy fast and are the only ones who score points. Points are acquired by breaking through the pack, skating a lap and then breaking through again and passing members of the opposing team. Within the pack you can lean on, whip, push or touch your own teammates, all in a strategic way to allow your jammer to pass and at the same time blocking the opposing jammer from doing so. The pivot, who kind of guides the pack as a whole, can signal to shift, speed up or slow down the pack all in an attempt to assist the jammer in scoring points, and block the opposing jammer. Competitions are called "bouts" and are comprised of two 30 minute halves, broken into 2 minute jams. All of this crazy, intricate action takes place in a 2 minute jam. Last week when I got the opportunity to act as a penalty time keeper at a scrimmage I witnessed a few of the jammers score upwards of 15 points. Think about it, that means that within a 2 minute time frame, these chicks had to skate 4 times around the track (AND fight through the pack each time AND pass all five players on the opposing team 3 times each!) Amazing.

The drill was that all 10 of us would skate around the track in a very large, tight pack, swerving in and out of each other, constantly touching each other on the back, hips, or arms, leaning into each other, switching position, all the while attempting to make it very challenging for the 3 other skaters who were designated as jammers to pass. When skating this close together it is essential that you can propel yourself fairly briskly without picking up your feet too much, if at all. One extra long push with your foot trailing too far away from you, one misstep or faulty shift of weight can result in a mega spill for you or a good portion of your pack. Communication and 360 degree awareness of yourself, the pack and the jammers are absolutely essential. If you are not comfortable skating and looking behind yourself constantly then you just shouldn't be attempting roller derby. Me personally, I LIVE for this. I turn on, it runs through my veins and my breath, engulfs my very being. Although acutely aware of the number of ways this could all go very wrong, I am so at home, relaxed. Perhaps it's the 20 years I spent waiting tables (most of that in crazed New York restaurants) or the 12 years Alan and I lived there and dealt with absolutely bonkers situations of over crowding and pushing on the bumpy, shaking subway and bustling sidewalks. If I remind myself to suspend the panic and claustrophobic inklings of the moment and just observe and respond to the gentle shifts within the pack the openings through which to skate present themselves. I HATED so much about the insanity of over-crowding in NY, but honestly I think those years of experience have offered me some valuable insight for this game, and for that I am grateful.

I tumble deeper and deeper in my love and addiction......

And now to the ongoing struggle of choosing my ultimate Roller Derby name....unique to me, fitting my skating style and not already claimed by any of my derby sisters.....a task I have been involved in for about 20 years, and am presently struggling with. At the time Alan and I created this blog I was solidly committed to Auntie Maim. (the Rosalind Russell version being one of my favorite all-time movies and Mame Dennis,who combined with Freddie Mercury is the perfect juxtaposition of the person I aspire to be)  In the Derby world, similar to racehorses there can be only one skater with a name. Girls register their name, and some have even trademarked theirs.  I have dreamed of my name for years, coming up with all sorts of terrific doozies.  When I decided I wanted to actually do this Alan and I covered SHEETS of paper with all the possibilities and hung them on the fridge to contemplate. Until very recently, I had no idea of the "one-of-a-kind" name rule. So, for your enjoyment I will list here (not in any specific order) as many of the way-too-good-not-to-be-mentioned-but-sadly-already-taken monikers in the history of my quest for the perfect name:

Lucille Brawl
Ella Hitzgerald
Auntie Maim                     
Amelia Tearheart
Maim Dennis Dorothy Slammel
Scary Lou Henner
Nancy Impairigan
Rosalind Hustle
Killda Swinton
Tallulah Shankhead
EradiKate
Ann I. Hilkate
Maggie Kyllenhaal
Zooma Thurman
Susan Sarandoom
Drew Burymore
Slamdra Bullock
TS Helliot
Dame Judy Wench
Scare-all Streep
Isahella Rossellini
Hate Blanchett
Elizabeth Surly
Zooey Decksanel
Reese Witherdoom
Barbra Diesand

These are all either taken, or I've just decided they don't fit me, and are too similar to other skaters in the league.  I want my name to be witty, but also have some personal meaning to me. That made my top three Lucille Brawl, Auntie Maim and Tallulah Shankhead. Tragically, Lucille was taken, and just this week I checked the master roster and Aunt E. Maim was now claimed. That left Tallulah, in honor of my daughter's first name. (we call her by her middle name, Oona, but for the life of me, I can't come up with a good derby name involving Oona O'Neil.) I submitted that, and one of my fellow trainees let me know that there was a Tallulah Banghead on a neighboring league. Cursed with always desiring to be an rugged individualist, it was back to the drawing board for me.  The chances of there being two Tallulahs on the track if I actually pass the test November 15 and we ever bouted that team was way too much of a deterrent to me. So, after two decades and much much deep and often beer, tequila or whiskey driven soul-searching I have arrived at............


drumroll and great fanfare please.........

Maraud Lebowski, number K8

It's not taken by anyone, not similar in any way, involves my other love of bowling and I think, after skating in a pack for the first time last night indicative of my emerging skating style. It feels right. And ps, Maude Lebowski is awesome, as is EVERYTHING about "The Big Lebowski." Seriously, one of my all-time favorite movies. Run, don't walk to wherever you acquire your movies and see it. A must. It is genius, from start to finish. So when Alan and I get it together, that will be the new name of this blog. maraudlebowskiK8.blogspot.com.

Week 3 Training

In this week's episode we find our fair protagonist involved in a high speed drill that involves skating as fast as one can till the whistle blows, then sending participants into a one knee slide that ideally spins them 180 degrees to facing the opposite direction, next dropping to the ground and performing assorted exercises including holding a plank position, push-ups, sit-ups, or leg lifts. When the whistle blows you are to hop up onto your feet without using your hands in any way in less than 3 seconds and then off skating in the opposite direction at maximum speed. This is repeated for the duration of 5 minutes.

I am Kate Kobak, bumbling, confused and often mild-mannered mom by day, and ultimate super hero on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

Perhaps my mind is just that demolished from my momming duties, but this is the most fun I have had in years. I have missed the calm and open space that my brain arrives at when tasked with challenging, aerobic pure movement for movement's sake. I could do this for half an hour if they'd let me, collapsing in a heap with my water on the side of the rink, eyes twinkling , giggling like a mad woman and relishing the mental clarity I have arrived at.

But alas, we end the drill after the allotted 5 minutes, and move on to working the track. I have decided that the smile that enters my heart when I skate fast and efficiently is matched only by the smile that crosses the boy's lips and spreads throughout his entire face up to his ears and scalp when he hears a song he knows on the radio in the car. It's like he is always so surprised when that happens, as if the music he knows only exists at home. It is amazing and delicious. I want to eat his whole head, or at least kiss him till he begs me to stop. He experiences it in his whole person, and often asks me "what is Aldo doing?" when he is immersed in it.

But I digress....Today we are working on skating the track, going out to the edges on the sides and then crossing in tight in the corners, staying in a low derby stance and crossing over the whole time. Allowing your head and shoulders to point into the direction you want to shift, leading the whole thing. Again, I am begging for this never to stop. Then we move on to falls and slides.

The trick here friends is an excellent, chunky round toe stop. You must have no fear or tightening and also cannot throw yourself down into the floor, but instead approach it with some opposition. Although you are physically moving down in space to reach the floor, you are in no way sending all of your direction and energy down. It's like a one legged squat, with your back knee on the floor and toe stop or side of your back skate dragging a bit, but your torso and head are still aiming up in space, taking a lot of weight and force off your knees and legs. All about the torso leg opposition. You are also not allowed to use your hands in any way to get up. That is the power of the toe stop. Slam that puppy into the ground to steady yourself, send your head up into space and waa laaa! You are up and running on both toe stops and then gliding again. Two knee slides are basically the same, except you get to lean waaaay back to counterbalance and pretend you are David Lee Roth. If you are a huge dork like me you can also envision yourself giving the appropriate double handed gesture that those rock and roll gods always do, with the two middle fingers folded down toward your wrist and thumb, pinky and pointer finger sky high.  You know the one. Yep, I do that and waggle my tongue around wildly like Gene Simmons, but as Robin Williams said in the Birdcage, "You do an eclectic celebration of a dance!! You do Fosse Fosse Fosse!! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham. Or Twyla Twyla!!! or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Madonna, Madonna....but you keep it all inside."

But as we all know, each superhero/closeted rock and roll goddess must have their kryptonite. And mine, dear readers is the obstacle course. I was an abomination. And not in the sense of the human mutate Emil Blonsky with superhuman strength, speed, stamina, durability, regenerative and healing factors who battled the Hulk, to some ranked as the "Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time."  No, sadly I was the other kind.

You begin the course sitting. When the whistle blows, you get up, skate off, duck under a broom handle two people are holding, then jump over another broom supported a measly 3 inches off the ground, then pick up speed and slalom in and out of several cones, and finish with a plow stop. (Which is opening your legs wide, then pointing your toes together and bringing them towards your center, using huge amounts of inner thigh power.)  Because of my spill last week I am still nursing a very sore tailbone and I began the whole thing with a big fear of falling as I jump. With the whistle I got up fine, squatted under the first broom no sweat and then allowed TERROR to set in....knocked the second broom off, dragged it a while and then literally froze in the slalom cones and ended up dragging most of them with me, all in a line under and around my skates. The plow stop (which I can do effectively at any other point in time) turned out as a ridiculous fall on all fours, accompanied by yours truly getting up and performing the campiest, most over the top bow I could take, laughing till I had tears at the ridiculous mess I had created on the course.  Fear is an amazing power. Such a limit it puts on all the possibilities available to you. To make my time, I totally could have just swerved to the outside of that broom. But instead I froze, and shut off my ability to reason.

Well, folks, I've squandered another naptime with babbling on my blog. The kiddos are rising, and the call of coffee is powerful. With my sliding seminar still fresh in my head and body I feel it's appropriate to leave you with a favorite quote from Hunter S. Thompson that my father-in-law uses.....

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!!!"

Stay tuned, folks, for the next episode in my mad cap adventure.....