December 2011

A dear friend of mine died last week. She was 41. She was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2009, when her daughter was about 6 months old. She went through two bone marrow transplants, and remained strong and positive throughout, parenting her almost 3 year old daughter from bed the majority of the last few months. She died December 8, a few days short of her daughter's third birthday.

Diana was my first Alexander Technique student after graduating. I have never in my life met a more vibrant, generous, caring, fair, and warm person. She sparkled in her eyes and with every cell of her whole being. She was a wonderful blend of incredible curiosity, intelligence and humor, and we would laugh our asses off in our lessons. We connected instantly, the first time she came to my house. I can still remember the warmth in her voice when we talked on the phone to set up her lesson. It was as if we'd known each other forever, and just picked up that first day where we had left off. I gave her lessons and we became good friends. At that time in her life she was a massage therapist, and we would do exchanges and also refer clients/students to each other. When she landed a very wealthy client who payed incredibly well and wanted to see her 3 times a week she insisted on coming to lessons with me twice a week, paying me more than my rate, even though I begged her to come for free or do exchanges because we were friends. That was just the way she was, insisting on sharing her windfall with her friends.

She was instrumental in getting me out of the misery of 20 long years of waiting tables. I had been hanging on to a restaurant job to make ends meet as I began my teaching career. She asked me to make her a skirt like one I had made myself. Then she wore it into a fancy boutique in Park Slope, Brooklyn and proceeded to sell it and my work to them, taking a card and insisting vehemently that I call them and do skirts on consignment. I ended up selling over 200 skirts through them, and began gaining some much needed confidence that there were indeed other ways to make ends meet besides bartending and waiting tables. Bored with making the same skirt over and over, I eventually started my fabrikate home furnishings business, worked incredibly hard and often frantically but mostly had a blast, met many wonderful clients and ultimately retired from restaurant work after 20 years in the industry. If it wasn't for her I would have struggled with that transition much longer. Diana also helped me get work teaching a few semesters in the Continuing Education program at the Swedish Institute, teaching massage therapists Alexander Technique, which ended up being one of my favorite gigs.

I had my son about 4 months after her daughter was born. An emergency c-section, completely opposite the birth we had hoped for, the whole experience was, in a word hellish, with the exception of one amazing and very cherished nurse.  Diana was our only visitor in the hospital. Again, I can still remember that joyful, smiling voice of hers calling out "Kate Kobak!!" as she entered the room and came around the curtain with her little girl, making time to come all the way uptown and way out on the West Side of the city in her already busy day. That half hour visit was a sparkling beacon in an otherwise harrowing experience. And Diana was, pretty much a sparkling beacon just in general. I am in awe of her bravery, dignity, and positive attitude in dealing with her disease. If I could muster half of that positivity just in daily life I would be doing good. She was extraordinary.

Although I never directly told her, she is also a huge part of the reason I decided to try derby. I can't imagine having to deal with what she did, with such gracefullness. She got to a point where she was so limited in her movement and breath that she couldn't walk a few city blocks without needing a break or to get a cab. When she first told me she was diagnosed, and continued to keep me posted on her battle I started really considering the way I live my life, the things I put off or let slip through the cracks, the things I would be deeply disappointed to miss if I was limited in my abilities or time here on earth.

One day years ago she called me out of the blue, excited and begging me to take trapeze class with her. It was right before the first portion of her finals for her masters degree, the oral portion I think. She said, "I can't imagine anyone I'd rather do this with. I also can't think of anything scarier for me to do, so it would be the best preparation for my dissertation!!" I remember responding with something goofy like, "Wait, wait, slow down. You had me at trapeze..of course I will go with you...is there class today?"

We were instructed in class to move on the instuctor's "heps," which I think is like trapezeeze for "go." On his "hep" you were to jump off the platform 20 feet in the air, swing forward on the trapeze, the next hep,pull your feet up over the bar, the next one let go and swing upside down from your knees. Then on hep you pull up, grab the bar again and get your knees off. The last hep was your drop to the net below. In practice on the ground the jumping on the hep was no prob, but once you are up there and he's chirping hep at you to make the initial jump it's amazing how you forget how your legs work. We both did it, and much of it was a blur. What's crystal clear though is us sweaty, exhilarated and walking through Williamsburg after class on that warm, sultry night, laughing and yelling "hep" at the top of our lungs as we proceeded to jump off every curb, our arms and hands shaking from a combination of the workout they just endured and the adrenaline of the whole experience.

This is how I want to live my life, fearlessly jumping on the "heps" and with the positivity, courage, kindness and generosity Diana had. I'm so lucky she found that poster advertising Alexander lessons I hung on a very out of the way lamp post in Brooklyn many years ago. My life is richer for knowing her, and she has had a profound influence on it, in so many ways. A part of every practice and bout will be for you, lady.

In our time together working at the Wellness Sanctuary at Om Yoga in NY we wrote for the newsletter. Below are both of our entries sharing our trapeze experience.

aimingup fall 2007 newsletter
Conquering Fear by Staying in the Moment (by Diana Colbert)

Passed the WFTDA test...Vice Quads here we come!

There have only been a few cherished moments in my life when I have been fortunate enough to enjoy this feeling. That swooning smile that starts somewhere mid-thigh, flips your stomach over like a really good kiss then travels upward, making your sternum melt and your heart sing, tickles your neck, then continuing to defy gravity finally spreads across your mouth, bunching your cheeks up into your ears and electrifies your scalp, making your eyes twinkle and eventually water from the breathtaking happiness you feel.

That is my night last night. And my whole day today. Honestly I don't even know where to begin this blog entry, I so desperately want to capture the vastness of experience and emotion in words. Not to sound cliched, but it was life changing, from start to finish. Seriously. The company and camaraderie I shared last night was extraordinary, the stuff of absolute greatness and buoyancy of spirit that sweeps you up, carries you along, and just an amazing amount of fun. I feel like throughout my life I have spent a ton of time famished for an activity that blends this athleticism, strategy, teamwork, quirkiness, and awesome socks and I am so totally excited to finally participate in this sport. To reiterate, I have wanted to do derby for 20 years, from the moment I saw it on TV when I was 19 or 20 years old. There has always been something else dominating my time or a lack of a league until about 9 weeks ago.

So, let's just pick a place, and trust that my inevitable meandering will eventually somehow cover the entirety of the experience. See that 4 on my arm? I don't want to ever wash it off, I am so completely proud of it. As I was skating my 25 in 5 minutes (which somehow I did in 4.23!!!!!!) I had flashes of me on the left up there, the 5 year old with the Fonzie shirt, polyester bell bottoms my mom made, awesome red Bruce Jenner sneakers and strap on, adjustable metal skates. I could smell the fresh cut grass, feel the very bumpy concrete driveway rattling my skates and the wind of that breezy spring day my dad took that photo after he finished mowing the grass. I can actually remember what shirt he had on and I was thinking all this as I skated my laps. I love how a song or in this case an activity can span time and teleport you right back to a very specific moment of your life and allow you to sense all the details. If you haven't noticed, I'm a sucker for the details, addicted to the fullness of the moment our senses offer if we are open to them.

Here's a few details about the test. A couple of us were joking that even though they were branded in black marker on our arms we couldn't remember our numbers we were so nervous. I literally had to look at my arm to know my number and remind myself to breathe a few times. My heart was slamming against my sternum before I even started skating. We got through it as a team, reminding each other that we had done all of the required minimum skills about a billion times in all our practices, encouraging each other to stay positive. What an amazing, funny, powerful collection of women. I am so thrilled to be in their company. Here we are, the new Twin City Derby Girls Vice Quads:

Now, it is certainly not every day that you pass the test to join a derby team. The momentous occasion could not possibly be complete without celebratory drinks and much revelry. Had I known after parties were this much fun I would have found a way to do this 20 years ago. I am seriously berating myself for all the years I have been deprived.

We descended with our adrenaline boosted excitement and 2 hours worth of sweat on Senator's Pub, the closest bar besides an Applebee's (which I can't say even in my head without the slight giggle John Corbett always has in his voice when he does the voiceover for all those commercials with the very shiny food when he is pimping the "2 for $20" or "Ultimate Trios" ). Senator's is an Inn/Wellness Center/Pub.The bartender was a very nice, older, wirey, bespectacled guy who probably holds the award for slowest/most nearsighted bartender on earth. The most effective tactic we found to catch his attention was standing on the ledge under the bar and waving both of our arms in the air like a drowning person. Eventually drinks were in hand, we were seated at the bar and a few tables and then in the blink of an eye the whole place transformed into Webster Hall. I looked up from the "I am having one drink and coming home" text I sent Alan and some guy is on the microphone saying something about derby girls beating each other up and perhaps the bartender too and the next thing I know I am drawn off my seat by the music, having krumping dance offs and spilling people's beers with my dramatic movement stylings.

Somewhere after the shot of tequila in the midst of the dance floor (which was not officially a dance floor but more like a 6 ft square space in between the tables) there was a 3 way push up/bicep competition bizarrely reminiscent of Jack Palance on the Oscars between 2 of my derby sisters and a very brave man who kept encouraging us to punch his abs and telling us he was 50, a search on hands and knees with phone flashlights for a lost earring, and one of the girls reaching behind a huge neon sign to open the window and get some ventilation going. I should point out that as you can see from the photo, Senator's is not a very big space, and the clientele seems to me to be of a fairly mellow breed. Our combined energies and the Ke$ha were so over the top that the whole bar just swelled, and for me looking around at the bemused, surprisingly tolerant expressions of the other non-derby patrons just added to the total scene, making it all the more priceless. I haven't had this amount of fun in a very long time, and I am still relishing my derby high and smiling a day and a half later.

I have to mention that November 15, the day of the test was also the 1 year anniversary of the day we brought Oona home from the hospital, on an unseasonably warm and vibrantly golden fall day. The house was cozy and smelled amazingly of roasting pork and root vegetables, (thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law) just the kind of scent you want after several days in the hospital. Although we had been through it just a year and a half prior with Aldo we were balancing multiple emotions: joy, excitement, panic, terror, exhaustion. It's bonkers how fast this past year flew by, how different I am. We settled into my beautiful toile sofa (my prized and very cherished possession, haven when things get hectic and also the first place we went when we brought Aldo home) and began our life as a multiple child family. We were slightly cocky due to Aldo being such a golden boy and relatively easy baby. Boy, were we in for a bumpy and high decibel but mostly joyful ride led by this feisty, spunk-filled future derby girl.

I love that these two very important events share the same day. As I get older and closer to senility it will make the task of remembering them less of a strain on my feeble mind.... Ok, all joking aside, both these experiences are HUGE starting points for me, the initiations of exciting and beautiful journeys for me to  savor, enjoy, grow and learn volumes from. As I begin my derby life I am feeling a lot of the same emotions I had that day last year, just home from the hospital and catapulted into a new chapter of my life. I'm super super psyched to see where my skates and my team take me.

Week 8/Saturday THE FINAL PRACTICE

Today I am considering the things my life would be poorer for if I didn't have the opportunity to experience them. At 11AM I'm skating 15 or so feet in front of a paceline of girls who are taking turns skating up and hip/body checking me. The looks on everyone's faces as they come at you is the absolute best. Most girls are smiling just prior to checking you with all they have and throwing you off balance. It's super cool how much you can be aware of in that teeny moment as you watch them approach. The sound of both of your breaths, your itchy elbow pad that seriously needs to be washed, the whoosh of everyone's wheels, what the approaching skater has on, the voices of the coaches and other skaters. I especially love noticing what color mouthguards people have in that split second before they slam you.

An hour and a half later it's 12:30 PM at home, and I'm holding my daughter, softening myself and clearing all remnants of hardening and impact out of my system as she drifts off to sleep, sighing and cuddly, resting her head on my chest. She's a tiny steamroller, loud as an air raid siren, fearless, strong willed, constantly squirming and twisting to be let go so she can be free and wreak havoc so this is a rare moment of calm and I'm soaking it up.

I'm also thinking about how important it is in derby and daily life to stay fully present in the moment,allow yourself to be aware of and relish every detail. It's those details that make things really tasty. It's marvelous how completely opposite these two experiences of my day are, and the opportunities for adaptation they offer me.It is so easy to allow yourself to become overly comfortable and fixed in your habits. Living or skating this way leaves no room for growth or exploration, and although shifting gears is not always easy, a life like that would make me miserable. In one derby practice or a few hours of my daily life the necessity to switch gears, shift focus and regroup are plentiful. Although they bring out different facets of my personality and require unique skills there are a lot of parallels between my momming/derby existences, and I believe they very strongly complement each other. I'm realizing that for me a lot of life is about how we weather the unexpected and how skilled we are at adapting.

We worked a ton today on more aggressively blocking and I have to admit I was intimidated, questioning myself and whether I'm tough enough to handle this sport and all the unexpected impact that can occur during a bout. I am really not a very aggressive person. When I was studying karate sparring was always challenging for me. Eventually I got used to it the more I sparred but not without a ton of effort. This is precisely why I believe derby is an excellent activity for me. It goes against the grain of my habitual approach to life and my interactions with others. Although it's usually surprising and never easy I'm used to falling and getting back up in my life and with my skating. Each time I pick myself up and begin again or receive a terrifically powerful check I realize how strong I can be. All this physical contact and falling is really good for me. I have always believed that life presents us with the same lesson repeatedly and in many different manifestions until we fully understand. For me, being a bit more aggressive is one of those lessons that keeps coming back to me. I think derby works on a psycho-physical level to teach me more about that, and to study my responses to situations and stimuli that call for more assertiveness.

The countdown begins....only about 53 hours until the test!!! Stay tuned fair readers!! And to show your support for Maraud Lebowski make sure to make one small choice today that goes against your habit!

Week 8

A year ago this week my daughter was born. After a sleepless, rib crushing, breath limiting, indigestion and nausea riddled full 9 months of ridiculous amounts of her dancing, running in place, kicking, stretching, punching, squirming, flipping, pushing and just plain making me tremendously uncomfortable, at 3:33 AM on November 11th she finally performed a water breaking 1 inch punch in utero that Beatrix Kiddo herself would be proud of.

She was born and then proceeded to shriek at us nonstop for a full month. The boy was nothing like this, a fairly comfortable pregnancy and miraculously sleeping through the night at 3 weeks old. I always tell people he tricked me into having a sibling with his good behavior and easy pregnancy. Somehow that little banshee- like, screaming, miserable girl has morphed into a joyful, radiant, constantly giggling and dancing one year old, with twinkly, vibrant, beaming eyes that can melt tungsten. How the heck has a year gone by?? I love that the WFTDA test next Tuesday is so close to her birthday. It will actually mark the one year anniversary of our first night home from the hospital with Oona. It's bonkersville to consider how different I was a year ago. I weighed about 30 pounds more and moved like something resembling an enormous injured penguin, with extreme sciatic pain most days. It's so amazing to be mobile again, doing something extremely athletic and able to breathe, my only real aches and pains induced by a good night of derby practice full of falling, squatting, skating hard, and checking.

There's a lot my one year old and I have in common. And a bunch I can learn from her. For starters, she is an absolute master of the 4 point fall, one of the skills I need to work on and be proficient at for the test that involves falling on your knees and forearms. She also offers me a ton of practice on my recoveries from the ground. I am always up in 2-3 seconds when I am shadowing her because she is constantly, tirelessly on the move and I never get a chance to actually sit longer than that. She's only about 29 inches tall so I get a lot of practice working my deep derby stance as I walk around with her grabbing at my hand, yanking me room to room as she chases after her brother, who I believe is a teeny bit frightened of her mightiness. At times I feel as shaky on my feet as she was learning to sort out her balance and walk, punctuating her movement with falls and stumbles. It's as if I am learning to run right along with her, with the addition of 8 wheels.

This week at practice we went through the test as it will be next week. I am thrilled to report, what was once my nemesis I am beginning to very slowly make peace with. I actually really LOVE plow stops lately, and am beginning to (dare I say it.....) ENJOY jumping.

Last night I skated the dreaded 25 in 5 minutes at 4.24! I definitely need to work on not panicking when I am behind a few other skaters and trying to pass. I cut the track a few times to pass and that is not good, and I'm pretty sure could be a penalty if I was in a bout. (did I mention that I really have to study the rules before the test next week??!?) I am also feeling like I missed out on something not being involved in a team of any sort until this point in my life. The coach who was counting my laps kept watching the clock, talking me through and letting me know how I was doing on my pace. All of these women are awesome, so funny, energetic, positive and encouraging. I finished my laps and a few of the girls came up as I was kneeling there grinning and panting like a freak and high-fived me. I had had a particularly challenging day, with a borderline migraine from when I woke and that simple act of kindness and encouragement seriously made my day. It's very easy to feel disconnected when trapped in the house for a few rainy, cold days with a  2 1/2 year and 1 year old. Skating in a tight pack with a bunch of super cool women is the best remedy I have found for that.

So dear readers, only one more Saturday practice until the test.....think I need end my babbling here for now and start studying my rules.

Week 7 Training/Saturday

Just when I believed I couldn't be any more in love I upgraded my wheels. And it was kind of like this:

Holy cannoli, where do I start??? Plow stops just became 20% easier, I swear they roll much faster, are way more responsive to my weight shifts, and make quick footwork even more fun and easeful with their slightly extra grippiness. To top all that off I had absolutely no idea how vibratory the wheels that came with my skates are. I can't believe I skated on them for 6 weeks with no knowledge of how much more enjoyable my ride could be. I was already having a blast but this is beyond the beyond. These wheels provide a crazy smooth ride. And very similar to Peter Parker, I was slightly afraid of them. For about 5 minutes, then I didn't want to stop skating ever. Seriously, I was so disappointed practice was over.

Crazy crazy amounts of fun.

This week we reviewed a ton in preparation for the WFTDA test.One part of the warm up that was super cool and I just have to babble about involved us skating in a huge circle and then closing the circle in as tight as we could. It was like an amusement park ride, a roller derby version of the ice capades. It was the first time I actually got a little dizzy, but so much fun that I didn't want to stop. I couldn't help thinking how this must be very similar to what the boy experiences when he spins himself like a dervish in the kitchen and is laughing but a tiny bit freaked out and needs to sit down for a moment and regain his balance. Just that awesome whooshing sound of everyone's wheels, the walls of the rink less and less in focus, but the people you are skating with strangely more in focus.

Another exercise we did was to skate 40 laps in 10 minutes as a pack. This was an amazing experience, and the highpoint of my week. The transition we went through from start to finish was extraordinary. We started out as individuals but as we found our pace transformed into this amoeba-like organism, filling in the spaces as we moved, and working as a unit. Did I mention my complete fascination and love of skating in a pack? It is all about maintaining awareness of yourself and your packmates, keeping in contact both visually and physically. Ideally you constantly touch each other, and keep about an arm's distance away. The skaters on the inside will skate a fraction slower, and if you are on the outside edges you really have to do some work crossing over and slightly increasing speed around the corners so you can close the holes up. I love the moments when you are so in sync that you can sense the skater next to you, behind you or in front of you adjusting their pace and you react accordingly. It's like I imagine a pack of mustangs, a school of fish or flock of birds communicates, on some nonverbal level, sensing each other as they move.

We are getting closer and closer to the test. It is one week from tomorrow, and I am feeling very overwhelmed by all the rules and referee hand signals I need to learn. Cross your fingers for me guys, and send good thoughts on November 15th from about 7:15 to 10.